Erin's Insights

A Whole Bunch of Scatter

2012-02-01T23:08:00.000-08:00

Aieieie! Dumping time. Try to keep up with all the nonsense I'm about to let loose.

So, I have this thing. This thing where if I feel like I am over-scheduled I will start dropping things (and sometimes people. Sorry.) in order to get away from "the schedule".

Erin no likey being this busy. It's true that for the last long time I haven't really cared about putting myself out there or really putting forth much effort when it comes to people, but I'm coming out of that now and I want to get back on track with my people skills. I WANT PEOPLE. More specifically, I want boys, let's be honest.

I've decided that if people keep asking me if I'm dating (which they have been) I'm going to say, why no, I'm not, I'm living. My life is not defined by whether or not I'm dating. And by the way, I've had too many first dates and so I happen to be taking a break. Yet, at the same time I'm keeping my eyes open for someone who sparks my interest and keeps that interest.

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THAT I'M DANCING AGAIN. I love, love, love it. I feel so great when I'm dancing.

Running for elections at UVU is crazy! Seriously, I could fill up every minute of my day with things that I have on my "to-do" list (which I keep on losing....). I would say I'm getting my butt kicked, but it's not true. I'm up on all my classes. I'm still performing my Senator duties. And I'm running for elections. AND I'M NOT DYING. Yay! :D I still am too busy though. Good thing I chose not to include that internship this semester, else I really would not be a happy camper.

There are lots of things I wish I could let loose about a certain topic but cannot.

We had an awesome speaker come to UVU, David Coleman; the Date Doctor. I was his escort and he was so nice as I suspected he would be. He was super complimentary, saying things like, "I feel like we got a model to show us around today", or "You know you can get any guy you want, right?" or "You know you're super attractive, right? You gotta know that". It was definitely a confidence booster, not that I need that because I happen to feel great about myself right now.

I love my Department Reps! I was talking with Hannah today and she said, "Erin, go take it easy, I can hear the stress in your voice." I appreciate people who notice things like that. Makes me feel good.

Let's see...what else? I'd like to watch a movie right now, even though it's almost midnight...this is the only time I have where I have nothing to do and it's special time for me :) even though I'm very tired as well.

I love where I live and I love my roommates. They're awesome. I'm myself around them.

I appreciate good friends, I found a good friend in Alex Cope recently. Good guy. He's fallen off the face of the planet though because he's dating this super cute Australian girl ;)

Lucas Bueno is also a really good friend. Wish he still lived down here and not in Salt Lake.

I'm really bad at writing Callie :S like really bad.

I got to see Kevin and Louise Gent! Oh, the memories that accompanied that visit! All that stuff with all those crazy boys I shouldn't have been dating. All the nights we snuck over the fence to hot tub. The walks along the streets of Pleasant Grove. All the decisions we were all making together. Glow-in-the-dark frisbee in the park by the church and the cops coming to kick us out. Riding on the back of motorcycles with cute guys. Mountain biking along the fire break road. Dating a teacher from my High School. Star gazing in my back yard. Sweet Awesome Wednesdays. Winning Iron Chef. Teaching on Sundays. Smearing glow-in-the-dark stuff over our legs and shoes on my drive-way.
Such good times. SUCH good times.
-sigh- good times.

Someone once told me I was boring. Or that I wasn't as exciting as they had previously thought. I guess being boring is in the eyes of the beholder...and it takes two to tango. Sorry, that was a weird one, but it's been on my mind lately. I'm trying to unroot that because for a while it took root inside of me and I started to believe it. I guess I can understand where they were coming from, but then again...they weren't exactly what I thought they were either. Isn't that crazy??? How sometimes you think you know someone and it turns out you don't? Or the percentage of which you thought you knew them was a lot less than it actually was? And then after a long time away from them you think...you know something? I really do know them and they are a really good person. And it's cool to not feel the whole "I hate you because you hurt me" feelings. That's a breath of fresh air.

I had a brownie for dinner tonight.
I have root beer on the top of my cupboard...just in case.
I eat on the run a lot now.
I'm loving my photography class. But I love my hip hop class more.
I climb anywhere from 12-24 flights of stairs on a daily basis; that should keep my heart healthy :) although I do admit, after taking 23 flights of stairs, I sometimes push the button to take the elevator, only to realize it's far away and that that 24th flight of stairs will actually be faster. And so I take the stairs.
Stairs are harder when you're carrying a ginormous drawing portfolio, a camera case and an additional bag, PS.

People "driving" or don't know how to use a round-about make me furious, hahhahha, can't stand it!

My eyes are getting tired. And I need some socks; toes are cold.

Hmmm...anything else?

Nah. Good for now. Lots of love to you wonderful people.

Faith IN

2012-01-26T11:49:00.000-08:00

An update is definitely in order.

I've been speaking a lot with Heavenly Father lately. I speak to him a lot anyway but because of certain trials I've had in the past while I've grown considerably closer to him and my conversations (or prayers) have become more and more real, fulfilling and meaningful. He has given me so much guidance.
I was reviewing my lesson for Sunday last night and reading over the between parts of Lehi's vision of the Tree of Life.
The way Nephi talks about how he wanted to find out for himself about the vision has always captured my attention. It's a perfect example of seeking personal revelation. I was thinking through his process which is along the lines of...

-Desire
-Stating that he knows where revelation comes from
-Knowing that in order to receive that revelation you need to go after it actively
-Stating what he knows about the nature of Heavenly Father
-Believing that he would get the revelation that he was seeking and...
-Pondering over it

I went through my own situation with what Nephi did in my mind. You see, sometimes Heavenly Father tells you "I know your situation so well, I know the complexity of the emotions you are feeling and I know exactly what you need to do....but in order for you to grow and for your faith to develop further you need to go through this. You need to figure it out. But don't worry because I will still be here; I will still take you by the hand and guide you through this."

I was told this recently. I have never laughed during a blessing but that part about him knowing exactly-what-you-are-supposed-to-do-but-I'm-not-going-to-tell-you part was said and it struck my funny bone. I wasn't laughing out of disrespect, I was laughing at how silly I felt! How often we go to Heavenly Father looking for answers when he has already taught us how to get the answers we look for in life?

We are told and I have been told many times, "You need to have faith".
This is what I have been thinking about faith, that was supplemented by reading through 1 Ne:10-11.
I hope this isn't too abstract but I'm going to write out what exactly I was thinking.
Faith. You need to have Faith. Nephi said he asked for his revelation already believing that he would receive it. So, it isn't just "have faith" it's "have faith in..." The faith has to be placed somewhere. If I say, "I have faith, period" that's just letting it float around in the air. I need to put the faith in something. Like, I have faith that despite the extreme uncertainly happening right now that things will work out. ...eh, that last part is still too general..."things will work out..." I already know that they will work out, but that isn't giving me any comfort at the moment.
My ultimate goal is to become the woman my Father in heaven wants me to become. How about, I have faith that despite the uncertainty and complex emotions I am feeling that happiness will come to me now because I am doing all that I can to do what Heavenly Father wants me to do; he wants me to work out my agency and work out my faith through this situation.

Obviously I'm still working on this because that's the point! And I don't know if what he said about not telling me means that I'll NEVER know...because that doesn't make sense to me. I know that Heavenly Father does not withhold answers permanently. He does say, "not yet" though.

I trust that last statement. That was proved to me time and again last year. He gave me my answers as I was ready for them. And he was the one who knew I was ready for them, not me.

Anyhow...that's all for now...

Lots of love to you wonderful people

Happy

2012-01-07T22:31:00.000-08:00

Some very fantastically interesting things are happening right now.

I don't even know where to begin.

I'm changing. And I love it. I'm growing. I'm coming up and out of all the insanity that has been my life for the last few years and I'm spreading my wings. I wanted so badly to prove that I was capable of doing everything I did last semester and I did it. And this semester I'm doing a little bit more and I can't wait for the new challenges that are happening!
And the best part is, the challenges aren't depression! Okay, it's a little scary to say that because for a silly split second I thought, wow, just jinxed myself but what nonsense, right? Man, it feels SO good to have different challenges. To really start to exercise my agency in the very sense of the word! Meaning bodily or mental exertion, especially for the sake of training or improvement of health, something done or performed as a means of practice or training, a putting into action, use, operation, or effect.

Oh, you people, you people who have been reading along with me all this time, I hope you, of all people realize how amazing all of this is for me. So many people might not understand or even care, and it doesn't particularly matter, but I'm so happy that I have you. I'm so happy that you realize the monumental-ness (ha) of all of this.

I'm so grateful to Heavenly Father. Man, he is so amazing! He has provided all of this. He is the reason I'm sane! He's the reason I've grown so much. He's the reason for me having the opportunity to help others with some of these experiences. He's so patient. So...there.

So grateful. So happy.

Happy :}

I feel like celebrating.

A Batch of Relationship Cookies

2012-01-01T20:08:00.000-08:00

This blog is in response to a friend's blog.

It's about relationships. http://thebenbailey.blogspot.com/2011/12/finding-or-building.html there is that if you want to read. You'll understand more about what my response if you do.

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. I feel like I've been going through an extreme disillusionment when it comes to relationships. Media makes love seem like it's all chemical and that as long as you have chemistry it will all work out. And if it doesn't then all you have to do is something drastic, like chase someone to the airport or tell someone you love them in front of a ton of people and they'll realize they love you back and there is your happily ever after.

I've thrown all that out the window. I wrote about this a little while ago about becoming almost cynical about this topic. Meaning, it's all work and somehow through all the work you get joy. I've mostly given up on romantic ideals that include a guy actually thinking about me, knowing me well enough to do sweet, meaningful things for me, actually caring about being there for me. It's all kind of gone out the window. ..though I do still catch myself looking out that same window...day dreaming, that maybe someday I'll get proven wrong and that maybe some man will come along that will sweep me off my feet, someone who won't care that I wear tie-dye bandannas in public, or who has the courage to see that I've proven myself through depression and anxiety and that I will stand the test of time because of it. Someone will come along who I won't have to prove my worth to. They'll see it themselves.

I think the thing that is so messed up with relationships these days is that there is so much hoopla about compatibility: "Take this test and see if you can work together, take this test to see if you have chemistry, take this test to view how well you communicate."

How about we stop taking all this advice and search out yourself for yourself?

Dig down deep for yourself and see what you are made of. Find out what it is that you have to bring to the relationship table and then go to freaking work! I'm not saying that compatibility is useless, I'm saying we're holding it up so closely to our faces that we're missing good chances to be with people who we will find happiness with (FIND, suggests effort). NO ONE will match you perfectly. But I think there will be some that will get close. There will be give on both sides. It will be scary at times, because you're putting yourself out there; you're putting yourself into someone else's hands.

I'm super biased because I've had several bad experiences...but so what? I can't base my opinions off of those.

You know what? Perhaps I'll go climb back out that window. That window that I threw out my hopes for happiness and retrieve my young girl fantasies. I'll mix up a batch of them and my knowledge of reality and perhaps then, I'll understand. Perhaps I'll get a batch of better proportioned cookies; not too cynical, not too fairy-tale.

Just real.

Yep

2011-12-30T22:41:00.000-08:00

Wow, it's been a while, eh?

I've been doing stuff :)

I have many things on my mind. I've been experiencing quite a bit of anxiety this week. I had an interesting chat with my mom about anxiety. She keeps telling me not to have it. I looked at her and scoffed, said, yeah, okay and then began to explain that anxiety shouldn't be labeled as "good" or "bad". True, anxiety can be caused by a chemical imbalance but it's my body and my mind and I control this body and this mind. I treat anxiety like any other emotion. Feeling anger is not a bad thing, what you do with it is what's important. Sadness is not a bad thing, it's what you do about it.

An emotion is just that, it only "becomes" something else with how you act upon it. Anxiety is only bad when I allow it to debilitate me or cloud my judgment. I don't allow it to do that. I have been practicing for a year now and I'm getting pretty darn good at it. I can talk myself through it. Does that mean I never feel it? Well, obviously not. And it's still one of the yuckiest feelings...but I shouldn't really say that because that's labeling it as bad. It's simply...uncomfortable.

I've been thinking about other things, too. I have been happier these last two weeks than I have been in a year, as well. I made a choice, a choice to change my mind about something. I was talking with a friend of mine and his wife about choices and how lucky we are and how empowering it is to have a choice. He talked about how you should make choices and then love the outcome whatever it may be, because you made that choice. More happiness comes from good choices, of course. We talked about acting and not being acted upon. These are principles that I have been taught my whole life, but sometimes in life we lose sight of or don't believe those principles once applied actually work.

I'm putting it to the test. I decided to act on something two weeks ago (I don't mean to be secretive or ambiguous, it's just not something to share on a blog) and I have been so happy. Many people have noticed the difference. I have noticed a difference. It's been really neat.

Hahhahah! What a year, huh??? What a crazy, insane year.

Happy New Year, everyone (though personally I don't care for the holiday one bit)!

Happy New Year :)

xoxo

Touched

2011-12-19T23:56:00.000-08:00

I used to write songs and lyrics. I actually have two songs recorded. That's a fact that not many people know about me :)

I wrote lyrics to this song once and when I was finished I gave it to my mom to read over. She listened to the song while reading the words (before it was recorded) a lot. It's a special song to me in particular for several reasons, but the most important one is because it touched my mom. She had gone through severe depression several years earlier and was still coming out of it. It touched her. She said to me, "How is it that you wrote something that's in my heart?" She cried. She hadn't cried in years. And I was so grateful for the inspiration that I received in her behalf.

I am listening to a song right now that a semi-common and perhaps corny, over-done song to some people. But as I explained to someone just a few moments ago, it's like this song took a prayer right out of my heart. It's making me grateful for other people's inspiration, and for the birth of my Savior.

I have had problems with Christmas the last several years (I think I've mentioned this before). The commercial aspect and the hypocrisy of other people just killed it for me. And it's been a struggle getting the Christmas Spirit back. But this song...it's bringing it back to me. I feel more of the true meaning of Christmas now than I have in a very long time. It's so refreshing.

Are you dying to know what the song is? ;)

It's Breath of Heaven, sung by Amy Grant. I'm sorry if you think it's corny and over-sung but friends, this song is starting to mean a lot to me.

Geez, guys, I hope I get to grow up to be what I want to be. I just want to touch people, I want to inspire them, I want to give them something special, make them think or rethink things. That's all I want. Life has a way of getting in the way sometimes. We get distracted, we forget things, we ignore things, dismiss them, put them on hold...

Where does true happiness come from? It's having your life in line with Heavenly Father's will. It's remembering what it is you really want out of life and knowing that you are consistently moving towards it. It's having goals and aspirations and an image of a better you.

Will you rethink things? Make sure your priorities are straight? If they aren't, will you fix them? And if they are...will you smile for me? Smile because you are doing the right things to bring you happiness?

In a slightly different direction now...I wonder sometimes if anyone who reads this says, "Man, she talks about God a lot and yet she still has all of these problems..."

I found an awesome quote on this very thing that I got to share in my Relief Society lesson on Sunday:

“Knowing God does not solve life’s problems, but gives purpose and strength to master them. Jesus, with his knowledge of his Heavenly Father, still had his problems to meet and to work out.”

Knowing God, Elder Bernard P. Brockbank

So, there you go. I have problems but because I know God, I have purpose and strength to master them.

And you do too.

Get to it.

Lots of love to you wonderful people, thank you for reading with me :)

Merry Christmas

xoxo

"I'm Gunna Conquer"

2011-12-13T19:14:00.000-08:00

I apologize for having not written in a while.

Several good things have happened in my life recently,

-I was able to go to the LDC concert for the first time in years where I had absolutely no hand in the show, whatsoever. And although I did catch myself wishing that I had been the one who built the stage, wrote the script, blocked the show, helped chose the songs and so forth, it was nice (and strange) to be sitting in the audience experiencing little to no stress. It was, emotionally, as hard as I was expecting; I miss it quite a bit but then I remember what Bro. Robins told us at the end of last semester, "You were not born to sing in this choir." There are other things out there that I should be involved in, more adventures to be had, more people to meet and make connections with.

-I got to do something that I put on my new bucket list. I can't tell you what it is because it doesn't really matter to anyone else but myself, but it felt really neat to have done something I've wanted to do for so long.

-I'm feeling much more congenial towards the Christmas season this year.

-I don't have to work this week and so I get to take my Gramma (that's how we spell it in my family) to go see the lights in the Riverwoods on Thursday night. She doesn't get to get out much and the lights are so pretty and so close to her house! So, we have a fun little date :)

I have also had some other...interesting things happen this week and you know what? After these last twelve months I'm pretty sure I can handle just about anything that life decides to throw at me. I've experienced it all; a bad break up, losing my two best friends, my Grandma passing away, struggles with school, struggles with work, struggles with personal relationships, finding a great place to live...finding out it's not so great after all and moving out on short notice, breaking the "number of first dates a girl can have" record, really learning how to deal with depression and anxiety, etc.

Yes, despite all the hardships I can say (against Utah Mormon culture) that I feel triumphant. I feel good about what I have been able to do and it's all because Heavenly Father has been mentoring me, tutoring me, and coaching me through it all. I owe him so much.

The thought comes to mind again that we weren't designed to fail here on earth. We were designed to succeed. It's simply your choice. And if that is the case, why would you ever chose to fail? In anything?

Don't ever give up. I promise you that whatever challenges life throws at you, whether you are religious or not, you can handle it. Dig down deep and pull out the strength that you were born with, stand up to life and say, "It's you and me, baby. And I'm gunna to conquer."

xoxo

Less Abstract

2011-12-04T13:10:00.001-08:00

I am, at this very moment, sitting on my couch, wearing a sweater, sweat pants, merino wool socks, a heavy blanket with a small heater feeding it's deliciousness under said blanket. And it makes me happy :)

I've been thinking (I wonder how many of my posts start out with that?) but a real quick tangent. My mom liked to read a lot in my childhood, she still does, but she would always be reading these sort of self-help books and she would start many a conversation with "There's this book..." and all of us kids would groan and say, "Oh no! Mom's been reading again!" Because it usually entailed us trying some new system for chores or something like that.

SO! I've been thinking. Why the funk? Why am I in this crazy funk? What brought this funk along? How can I get out of this funk?
After much thought, I think I have an idea. I don't know if it's right but I like the feel of it and I'm going with it. For those of you who have served a mission for the LDS church, it is common for a period of time after you get home that you're lost. There you were for two solid years doing nothing but preach the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. And then you get home and things are different and people are different and decisions need to be made and so on. You might fall into a spiritual funk because you're not getting that spirit every day that comes with a devoted life of missionary service and nothing else.
I think that's in part what has been going on with me. As you know, I decided not to serve a full time mission. BUT, I did pray after making that decision that I would get opportunities to grow as if I had gone on a mission. I got those opportunities. I have worked for EFY for four summers and sang in LDC (Latter-Day Celebration Choir) for three years. Both were time-consuming. Both gospel oriented. Both a lot of work! All together, it comes out to a whopping three and a half year span of being drenched in these church-bases programs.

Now, the summer is over and so is EFY, this of course has happened before, but I have always had LDC during the school year to devote myself to. To grow in. To rely on for spiritual strength and inspiration. I'm not saying I didn't have my own light to draw from but I received TONS of light from LDC. And now I don't have it. I am feeling what I could relate to as that "post-mission" funk. I don't have the spiritual structure in my life that I've gotten used to having. And I'm really feeling the effects from it.

This realization of course made me very happy, if you can imagine, because it means that I'm not the horrible person I was starting to think I was. It's just...life. It's my "post-mission funk". But now that this abstract-ness has some logical dimension to it, it has become much easier to handle.

I suppose that could be used for more situations in life. There are always adjustments that need to be made. Things come into our lives and things go out of our lives. We are all going to go through stages. Some will be harder than others but we can make it through.

We were "designed" to make it through.

Unready or Unwilling

2011-11-30T11:18:00.001-08:00

Can I tell you something that I absolutely loved this last conference? It reminds me of something that Bro. Eggett said in one of my institute classes, "I believed this the whole time, I love it when a general authority says something that I believe because then it's like they're quoting me."

Elder Hales said this in his talk, "In my life I have learned that sometimes I do not receive an answer to a prayer because the Lord knows I am not ready. When He does answer, it is often “here a little and there a little”³³ because that is all that I can bear or all I am willing to do."

The last line was my favorite. "Because that is all that I can bear or all I am willing to do." BOY, have I learned that this year!!!

And aren't I grateful that Heavenly Father knows?? He knows when I can't handle something, even an answer, he knows when I ask for something that I don't really want and so he doesn't give it to me! Helping me better realize what it is that I actually want. And he knows when I am not willing to do something. When I'm not ready to take another step in any given direction that I should be going. The one thing that he wants is a willing heart, and he knows that mine has not been very willing lately.

I can't help but think of a book I read some years ago, it's called, "Healing the Wounded Soul" by Jack R. Christianson. He tells the story of his bird dog and how well she was trained. One day he took her out to "show her off", he threw a ball (or something, I can't remember exactly, it's been a while since I've read it, but I remember the principle!) and the dog took longer than usual bringing it back. After bringing the ball back she wasn't performing like she usually did. Jack started to get upset because he felt she was embarrassing him. Later, at home, he examined her and found that there were several deep cuts along her belly. She had fallen into a ditch and gotten injured.

Of course he felt horrible. He made the application that most often when people "misbehave" or "act out" it's not because they are a bad person who is innately rebellious. It's because they're carrying wounds.

No one expects someone with a broken leg to be able to run. Nor should we so harshly judge others when they aren't acting as they "should". If someone doesn't attend church often, or seems standoffish or rude or someone who doesn't follow all the rules...do we ever think, "Man, I wonder what is going on inside of them? I wonder if they are hurting right now and that is what is causing their behavior?"

Just to make mention, I don't believe in excusing bad behavior just to excuse it. But if there is a reason don't you think we ought to consider it more carefully? Or think about it in the first place??

I just really connected with Elder Hales talk. I have experienced those things, not being ready or not being willing. And lately I've changed my prayers from "please, continue to have patience with me" to "help me be patient with myself." He will always be patient with me because he is perfect and as long as he knows that I am working on it, than the one who needs patience with me is myself.

xoxo

To Fly

2011-11-27T13:24:00.001-08:00

"Werealize that the purpose of our life on earth is to grow, develop,and be strengthened through our own experiences. How do we do this?The scriptures give us an answer in one simple phrase: we "waitupon the Lord." Tests and trials are given to all of us. Thesemortal challenges allow us and our Heavenly Father to see whether wewill exercise our agency to follow His Son. He already knows, and wehave the opportunity to learn, that no matter how difficult ourcircumstances, "all these things shall [be for our] experience,and ... [our] good."

-RobertD. Hales

Icame to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive

Icame to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise

Tofly

Without A Limp

2011-11-25T14:50:00.001-08:00

I always liked change. I think I've mentioned that before. In fact, when my life got monotonous I would instigate change to spice things up again.

One of the best compliments that I have ever gotten was in High School. The girl who gave it to me was named Jaimie. We were friends through Theater and one day she said to me, "Erin, you are always the same. You don't change when you're around different people. You're consistently you." That always meant a lot to me, she told me that a few times, if I remember correctly. I've had other people tell me that, too.

You know, I used to be great at giving advice? I was the friend that everyone went to to talk about things or ask questions. I used to care about everyone, it didn't matter who they were or what they did to me, I loved them and I was always there for them.

...then my life kind of exploded. And people who I thought I knew inside and out turned out to be something completely different. My whole life as I knew it changed dramatically within a few short months. And it will never be the same. I was crushed. I lost myself. I lost that continuity that I valued so much and that other people valued so much in me. I became cynical. I lost sight of who I was. I stopped caring so much about others.

Now, quite honestly I could say that people now have to earn my trust but the fact is that I never really trusted others to begin with. I've always felt that I can't rely on other people, they're too wishy-washy, too inconsistent, one day they'll be your friend and the next they won't talk to you. I just learned to live without trust in other people when it came to myself. I can trust people with projects or assignments for the most part but when it comes to me relying on others it just isn't something that happens.

I got all worked up over that dumb color code thing and I think I know why. I temporarily lost myself this year and then I start school up again and I'm getting this personality test rammed down my throat and it was just at a time where I think I'm coming back to myself and it was messing me up. I kept going, "Wait, am I this? Or am I this?"

The point is, I don't need a personality test to tell me who I am. To tell me my core values or my characteristics. I don't need it to tell me how I treat others or how I work under pressure or any of that stuff because...I already know. I know who I am. I know me inside and out. I know who I am because I have been face to face with the ugliest, darkest part of me. Down in that pit, where it was just me and every single one of my insecurities, my fears. I've spent time with them. And do you know what? I didn't give in. I never gave in to the very worst of thoughts.

And sure, right now I may not love everyone like I used to, and I may not have the few people I actually did rely on anymore either, but I'm coming back. Just like an injured leg muscle, it takes time to walk without a limp. But I will someday. Someday I will walk without this limp. It's coming.

I hope you all had a good Thanksgiving. There's so much to be thankful for.

xoxo

I'll Color Your Stupid Code

2011-11-22T12:06:00.001-08:00

I think I'm about to insult a lot of people.

In Student Government here at UVU they push a certain personality test called The Color Code. Ever heard of it? You have?? Wow, that's good.

Well, here's the news. I hate The Color Code. Or more specifically I hate people who live and breath The Color Code. Strong words, right? You might be asking, now what on Earth has gotten Erin so riled up about this???

I'll tell you. How about that.

Here are some of my personal experiences dealing with people who have taken this personality test.

Person number 1, we shall call him Bob. Bob characterized himself as a RED. Bob was selfish. Bob was bossy. Bob thought he was always right and that HIS way was always the best way. He would listen to others opinions but in his mind they would never be accepted. He was very good at convincing other people that their way was wrong and his way was better.

Person number 2, we shall call him George. George characterized himself as a WHITE. He hated conflict. He did not like it at all. And so what did George do? Nothing. Did I mention that George was in a leadership role? Because that bit of information is KIND OF IMPORTANT. Because George didn't like conflict (because he was a white) he did not help in solving any problems. Hmm, is there a problem here? Yes. You see, leaders need to be able to solve problems, to handle conflict by addressing it not in not participating.

Person number 3, we will call her Shela. Shela characterized herself as a RED. She was pushy, loud, obnoxious and thought her way was always the best way. She smothered everyone else around her when she was around. She had to be the center of attention. She had to be the funniest, the smartest, the best at simply everything, even at the cost of other people.

I usually don't have any beef with Yellows. After all they're just out to have fun and EVERYONE likes Yellows so how on earth could I not like them?? I mean, that's just ridiculous. Right?
Hoping you caught the sarcasm there.

But the thing I hate the absolute most is when people call me a BLUE. Do you know why? Because Blues are always presented as emotional. And that's about it. Any of you raising your eyebrows? Any of you thinking, "Erin, have you ever read your other blog?" Well, guess what? If I am emotional it's because of I have depression, NOT because I am a stupid Blue. Got it?

Now is this searing blog directed at everyone? No. It's directed at people who can't own up and take responsibility for how they act. It's to people who blame "how they are" or "how they act" or "why they do the things they do" on a personality test. It's to the stupid people who feel they have the right to be rude, or walk all over people and be jerks just because they are a certain color, ANY COLOR.

Wondering where this all came from? I have to write a four page paper on The Color Code for one of my classes. I got through four paragraphs and got so mad that I stopped, walked over to my teacher and asked if I could write about something else.

212 Degrees

2011-11-20T10:08:00.001-08:00

Anyone know off the cuff what 212 degrees is?

It's the boiling point for water.

I have been studying the life of Thomas S. Monson in one of my institute classes. I don't know how many of you (if any) have read his biography but it's absolutely incredible. The Lord prepared him from before the time he was born. He prepared his grandparents and parents and him and the thousands of people that would influence him during his entire life.

Have you ever thought about how the Lord is preparing you? Have you ever sat down and just thought through your experiences and how they have made you who you are and how they are shaping you into becoming something greater later on?

What are the kinds of trials that help us become good spouses? Good parents? Good individuals? Good members of the church?

What is it about a 212 degree boiling point that purifies water? Or fire so hot it refines silver?

I know one thing. I know that they Lord keeps us in the water only long enough to purify us. And he keeps us in the fire long enough to refine us but never long enough to burn us.

My life has been hot lately. I have been feeling the heat, whether it be boiling water or fire, it's hot. ...What kind of person am I going to become? ....What is all of this preparing me for? These are musing only. I don't really need to know. But I do wonder sometimes...what's in store?

I am honestly just concentrating on not becoming bitter during these hard times. For the same hot water that softens a carrot will harden an egg. Hmm, I just had a thought. Usually when that example is given the egg is the bad guy because he become hardened and the carrot is the good guy because he becomes softened. But in reality the Lord tells us moderation in all things. I want to be softened, but I want to be stronger too. I guess "hard" is the operative word here, though, eh? Hard has a negative connotation.

Okay, so I'd like to be a strong, soft carrot. How's that? ;)

I know I say this often but it's worth repeating. It's worth repeating everyday. I am so grateful for Heavenly Father. I am so grateful that I have taken the time to have the relationship that I do with him.

It is priceless.

Bucket List

2011-11-17T13:49:00.001-08:00

Buried Life is coming to UVU next month. Very simply put, they are a group of boys who started checking things off their bucket lists after college and then moved on to fulfilling other people's bucket lists as they do their own.

Up until recently, I didn't really have a bucket list. At least not one that I would deem a bucket list. I have goals and aspirations in life, just like every one else. I think it'd be cool to go to Europe, I think it'd be cool to go a lot of different places. The difference for me, I guess is that I don't ever expect to get to do those things. So, they're dreams but really nothing more.

I didn't really like this idea! Therefore, I started coming up with a bucket list.

1. wait...have I already posted something like this on here?? I have a faint memory running across my mind...

Oh well.

1. Have a celebrated Art Show in a renowned Gallery (Kind of general I know. But I'm a beginner at this, okay??)

2. I do have a dream house that I would like to live in someday. I day dream about it all the time. I would like that house someday. It's an old Victorian style house, two stories :)

3. Um...I'll keep thinking.

2011-11-16T18:54:00.001-08:00

I have a cold right now. I never mind getting sick...this kind of sick. A cold is no big deal. I wish I could lose more of my voice though. I love it when I've lost my voice. SO FUNNY. Makes my day, makes my week. Makes other people's days because I sound so funny.

I officially got hired at TR tonight. Man, what a grueling hiring process! A little ridiculous if you ask me. Actually, mostly ridiculous. But whatever, it's a job and it's now my job so no more complaining from me. No sirree.

I've had lots on my mind lately. Do I ever not have a lot on my mind? No, not really. But that's why I have this blog (among other things) so that I can get everything written and sorted out. Unfortunately, right now, my brain is super fuzzy...

If I try to think about anything substantial my brain goes...-yawn- no thanks. I'm content with not thinking right now. Check back later. Much later.

Hahhahah, honestly, I just tried to think and it didn't work. :)

Hahhahah, how fun.

Semester of Miracles

2011-11-10T12:43:00.001-08:00

Just wanted to point out some miracles and the goodness that is happening in my life right now :) Happiness!

In no particular order:

Miracle #1 Aside from regular trials (that everyone has, right??) My life really is quite splendid right now. I just got a job at Texas Roadhouse and have been training with them all week. It's been a lot of fun and a huge stress out of my life. Love it when I have income. So far, I really like it there and am looking forward to becoming the best they have there.

Just good news: Good things are happening in my family. My brother and his wife are expecting their 2nd child this month so we're all really excited about that!

Just good news #2: I still LOVE where I live.

Miracle #2. I have always gotten really good grades but I happen to be a full time student right now which I haven't been in years. I have all A's in school as of right now! YEAH! One of my goals this semester was to get a 4.0 with my 13 credits and it's totally happening. That right there is very important to me. School has been such an...interesting part of life what with having to drop out several times because of depression and having to take a light load so I stay IN school and not get to over-whelmed.

Just good news #3: I love my calling in church.

Just good news #4: Dating is happening. I won't give statistics but I'm dating a lot of different guys right now, which is a lot of fun and is making for some super good stories for the future ;)

Life is good. Life is great!

Miracle #3: Senate is going so well. I love this position. It has been a nice challenge and I'm so happy to be here and be putting my talents to use in a different organization than I ever have before! It's very fulfilling!

Thanks everyone for your prayers in my behalf. Sure do appreciate you and all you've done for me.
xoxo

That Prayer

2011-11-06T14:32:00.000-08:00

Heavenly Father loves you.

I don't know if I've told this story yet, but I was thinking about it yesterday and how much it meant to me and so I thought I'd share.

A few weeks ago I had one of those days, it was the same day that I made that big scary decision. I went to my ex and asked to tell me straight to my face that it was over and that it was never happening again. I already knew it was over and I also already knew that it wasn't going to happen again. But I wanted to hear it from him. I'd heard it from everyone but him. Bold? Yeah. Smart? Who knows. Necessary? For me, yes. And so I did that thing (on a side note, it has helped a TON having heard that from him, things have gotten substantially better since).

So, I leave him to his studying and head home. I did cry. Are we surprised? Ha, you better not be, I wasn't. You see, I had planned the whole thing out. Go, get it from him, come home, let it all out, new day tomorrow.

I got home and was crying and I went to my bedroom to be alone. Only the funny thing was that I didn't really want to be alone. I wanted to have someone with me. And so I prayed. I said a prayer that I have offered time and time again. I have said this prayer or some form of it many, many times.

Heavenly Father, please. Please, send someone to me.

I know that people are busy and may not be thinking of me right now, but please.

That prayer as far as I can remember has never turned out the way I wanted it to. No one ever came. And I am definitely not saying that Heavenly Father kept people away from me, I'm sure He tried but perhaps no one was listening, or he wanted me to rely on Him and not someone else. There could be many reasons for no one ever coming to me when I've said that prayer.

That night, that night that wasn't even the hardest night I've ever had, yet I ventured to say that prayer again.

Father, please. This night, won't you send someone to me? I just want someone to lie next to me on my floor for a while and just be with me. Please, won't you? Even if it's just this once.

Now, having had said this prayer a lot and becoming used to the fact that no one was coming on their own accord I texted a friend and asked them to come over and be with me for a while (which I what I usually did). They were busy at the time but said they could come a little later. This was fine with me because this is what usually happened. This was the norm.

So, I was there in my room waiting for "later" to arrive when suddenly I heard someone knock on the door. I knew my friend wasn't coming until later so I knew the door wasn't for me. No one else was home so I sighed, wiped my eyes and thought, whoever it is will just have to think I'm crazy for looking the way I do right now. Oh well.

I go downstairs, I open the door and Julia is standing there. She smiled. My roommate who also knows Julia wasn't home. There was no earthly reason for her to be there.

I was so shocked that it was someone I knew, "What are you doing on my doorstep?" I asked, my voice still thick from crying.
"I...isn't your party tonight?" She looks closer at me, "Are you alright??"
She comes in, I tell her I'm fine (Ha), she gives me a hug and tells me she thought our party (which was the following night) was that night.

I invited her in and she came up to my room with and layed down on the floor with me and we talked a bit. She stayed with me until just before my other friend arrived. I told her she was an answer to my prayer.

Friends, I do not pretend to know all of the dealings of our Father in Heaven or all of His reasons or His timing. I don't know why that night was the first night that that prayer had been answered. As Julia said, "The Spirit works in mysterious ways," ;) and he does. Why this night and no other worse nights? I don't know. But it makes me nonetheless grateful; because He did answer that prayer.

It was so special to me. It meant so much to me. Countless times I had asked and finally...I recieved. It kind of reminds me of the Woman with an issue of blood, does it you? I wonder how many of the same type of prayer she offered before she recieved her answer? Years worth.

Man, I love Heavenly Father.

xoxo

Looking For My "It" Guy

2011-11-05T16:45:00.000-07:00

So, I've been asked, "What are you looking for in a guy?" a lot the last week and a half. A lot of the time I don't know how to answer. I used to have a list. You know, the kind they have you write one hundred different times in Young Women's or other church related activities?
Funny thing is I can't remember most of what was on that list. I know there were the foundation wants: A respectful guy who honors his priesthood, wants a family, will be able to support said family; things like that. I also remember I wanted him to be taller than me ;)

I was talking to this guy recently I told him some of this stuff and I asked him the same question and he said in effect, "I don't really have a list, I just know there is and "it" factor and that's what I'm looking for. It's hard to explain."

Well, after having thought about this for myself, I think I agree with that, at least for what I'm looking for. I'm looking for my "it" factor. Actually I think it's safe to say that everyone is looking for their "it" factor.

I guess there are some things I know of that I'm on the watch for with my "it" guy. I know that young single adults are in a very self-absorbed time in life, we have to look out for ourselves BUT, I know that I'm watching out for someone who is a cut above the average in that regard. Selfishness destroys relationships. I don't want someone who is selfish.

I'm also looking out for someone where the gospel comes up regularly in their everyday conversation. Not in a preachy, self-righteous kind of way, but because the gospel is integrated into his life that it just comes out.

But mostly, I'm looking for someone who will be my best friend. Someone who makes me genuinely laugh. Someone who I can go to for sound advice, who seeks my advice and who can have a dang good conversation.

I suppose there are other things but those were the ones I could think of. :)

"It Girl" is going through my mind, ever heard that song? Love that song. So fun. Makes me want to dance. I love dancing. Guess what on that note?? I'm totally taking a hip hop class next semester! I AM SO STOKED!!

No Fear

2011-10-31T10:38:00.000-07:00

I was in a Stake Relief Society meeting this evening and as I was trying not to fall asleep ;) someone said something about what a blessing children were. That sparked something in my mind and I began to write in the notebook I was carrying...

There are two things that have gotten me through every hard time. Jesus Christ and my family on both sides of the veil.
Through some of the darkest times of depression one of the most common things that kept me sane was either the thought of my furture children or more than the thought; that is too sacred to write about on here.

I told a friend once that I was afraid that my having depression would affect me marrying someone. He asked,"You mean, you think they might not marry you because you have depression?"
"Yes." I answered. I am very aware that it is a scary thing for anyone to knowingly enter into a relationship with someone who has or continues to suffer from a mental illness. I remind those people, though I don't think anyone like that reads my blog, that I do not suffer from depression because I have done something wrong in my life. It is simply a trial I have been given.
I can only guess what some people might think about this, gathering from what I've personally heard. Are they worried that I'll freak out on them? That I'll get suicidal? That I'll stop taking care of my family? That I'll lose my mind? I have my depression under control. I have things to do to stay at optimum health level just like someone with diabetes.

I guess people get scared about it because this is a mental illness. And people with mental illness are crazy, or didn't you know? ;)

Yeah, I kind of feel bad about it. It's still the thing I look forward to the least to discussing when I'm getting more serious with someone dating-wise. I used to think, how can I ask someone to share this with me? How is that fair? But at the same time I want to get married, of course. And like it or not, this is a part of my life. I KNOW I will have the greatest joys in life. Heavenly Father has told me so. And even if it doesn't happen in this life I will get it in the next. This just isn't that big of a deal.

I wish I could tell those guys...I wish I could give them some kind of confidence in a future with me but again, I shouldn't have to do that. If they know me, if they really know me, then their fears will be put to rest. It will still be work, but that's life! I just want to say, "I know it's scary, but we have the gospel and there is no reason to fear. Heavenly Father will be there with us. I know because he has been with me the whole time."

Honestly, none of this even matters. I have already faced my own fears regarding my abilities to be a good wife and mother with depression there sometimes. Thank you very much, but I've already lived through that with my own mom. I've experienced it, and I'm planning on combating it.

That friend that asked me that question, to which I replied "yes", afterward said, "There's no way that would happen. You're much too easy to love."

I guess I'll know when a right guy comes along because this part will work out.

I'm not blaming any guys, I haven't had anyone break up with me because of depression. I was just thinking about it because I talked to this one guy about it.
...got me thinking about it.

There is a Reason

2011-10-26T17:10:00.000-07:00

Life.

Life is interesting. People are interesting. Situations are...interesting.

Slowly, things start to get better. Some days emotions are still very near the surface. Today was that day. Yesterday was that day.

I was talking with a newer friend today. He's very nice, I really appreciated him listening to me and sharing his thoughts with me. At one point I told him I felt like I'd lost myself somewhere this last year. But having thought about it since then I don't think that's correct. I didn't lose myself. That's one thing I have going for me. I haven't lost myself. I am still me. Sometimes I still feel broken up inside but I'm not broken.

Satan is so tricky. So subtle. So knows-how-to-get-in-the-cracks. Cracks aren't very big, by the way. Do you know what he's been telling me lately? He's been telling me that no good guys are interested in me because there is still something off about me inside and they can perceive that and steer clear.

...no offense to boys, but I haven't met many who can perceive things like that. :)

My friends said to allow myself to hope. This gets a little tricky for me BECAUSE there are certain hopes that I'm not entertaining anymore. As of right now I put a very strong filter on "Hope" because that hope SO doesn't have a place in me anymore. But perhaps my filter is too strong and isn't allowing more of the good kind of hope in; the hope that allows my spirit to sit up straight and gives it bounce, the hope that naturally lifts my eyes heavenward.

So, in essence I have not lost myself. I am not lost. I am Erin. And I can do this. I have done hard things before and whatever and why-ever the heck I'm going through what I am is going to make me a rock star. I do know that. You don't just go through things like this for no reason. There is a reason.

So, today and yesterday and a few days last week were hard? So what? So what if parts of this experience have lasted years? I am no stranger to pain. I am no stranger to practicing patience.

I am no stranger.

And there is a reason for all of this.
And by the grace of God I'm going to get through with flying colors because it's in my potential; and I deserve it. I deserve happiness. Everyday.

Spew

2011-10-25T17:06:00.000-07:00

Found some quotes I like on dating.

Dating is not a great way to "really get to know someone." Why? Because everyone is on best behavior during a date. If you really want to get to know someone, watch the person at school every day, or both of you get a job together at McDonald's. Eight straight hours over a hot greaser full of fries will tell you the real tale.

BLAINE BARTEL

Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is.

HENRY CLOUD

Dating is not only a wonderful time of life, but also a context for enormous spiritual and personal growth. You learn so much about yourself, others, God, love, spirituality, and life through dating. Done well, it can be fulfilling in and of itself. Done well, it can be one of the most fun and rewarding aspects of your life. Done well, it can lead to a good marriage.

HENRY CLOUD

Dating is a give and take. If you only see it as "taking," you are not getting it.

HENRY CLOUD

Hmmm...Henry Cloud has some good points, doesn't he?

The key to successful dating is ... rather than focusing solely on finding and winning over that one and only right person, use this time in your life to learn about yourself and about relationships and to become a better partner. Being single can offer a unique advantage in the pursuit of good relationships. You have the opportunity to step back, take an inventory, learn and grow, and be far more ready for a healthy relationship. Instead of leaping headlong into the next romance, slow down and make some personal discoveries that will increase your chances of having your future relationships be more successful.

NINA ATWOOD

I avoided the temptation to complain. Aren't you proud of me????

2011-10-19T21:45:00.000-07:00

I made a decision today. A big decision. A scary decision.

Honestly I don't know how it will turn out but right now, right at this moment, after having taken the first step I feel peace.

Peace

Peace.

I'm still nervous. But I feel clear.

I went to the temple today. I love the temple. I also got a priesthood blessing. I love the priesthood and worthy men who hold it and who care about me.

:) it was a good day.

Too Big Sometimes

2011-10-18T22:50:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking.

Do you know what I'm grateful for? I'm grateful that Heavenly Father is who he is. I am grateful that he is God, all-knowing, all-powerful, all over the place.

I sincerely hope that I can take the things I'm learning about the way he treats me in our relationship and apply them to other people, especially when I find someone I want to marry.

I do certain things when I'm upset about something. I mean, really upset. Not angry upset, just upset...mentally or emotionally disturbed and by disturbed I mean agitated or distressed (just so we're on the same page). When I'm upset about something, a healthy reaction would most likely be to go to someone who you know can help you. In this case, when I'm upset I pull away from him instead.
The other night I knelt down to pray and I shook my head and said, "I can't. I can't talk to you about this right now."
Some of you might say, "You said that? To God?"
Yes, I did. Obviously I was using respectful terms but that is very much what I said. But it didn't worry me because unlike humans, Heavenly Father knows. He knows that I am not doing it out of spite, or because I don't think he can help me, or because I don't like him or don't trust him; I'm just...human. And I couldn't bring myself to talk about what was on my mind, though I gave him free access (does that make sense? I didn't want to talk but I wanted him to know my thoughts. Kind of like when you write a blog and you don't want to talk about it in person but you don't care if people read it. Yeah?).

I want to be like him. I want to act towards people the way he acts towards me. So, if someone close to me doesn't want to talk about something, I won't take it personal, they're just human. Geez, we're all trying to figure this life out!

I practice, you know? When people are angry or defensive I always ask myself, "I wonder what's going on with them. I bet they're hurting. Or I bet they're stressed or tired." Am I perfect at it? No. But like we talked about in Relief Society on Sunday, it's all about making sure that while you're on the ladder of life, you are moving upwards. Progress can be whatever pace, the important thing is that you are moving upwards.

To change gears a bit here, I've been a bit unsettled in my student government position, too. I want things. I have these...swelling feelings inside of me. HUGE feelings of potential that don't fit inside of me! I was walking and talking with the man over development for the School of the Arts today, talking about the situation with getting new facilities for our art students. There was one thing he said where I literally almost stopped in the middle of the hall and said, "If that's true than what the heck am I doing?"
He had given me a bunch of information and asked, "Does that help?" I said, "No. It doesn't." (I'm getting so bold these days) I looked him in the eye and said, "That information is nice but it doesn't help me. I'm the kind of person that will do the necessary things, the waiting, the laying of a foundation but I am also the kind of person who wants to do more. There has to be more that I can be doing." He looked at me with empathy and said he understood what I was talking about.

All of that made me think, man, no wonder I'm not married...I'm too big. I'm too big even for myself sometimes, how on earth are the guys I'm going out with going to handle me? ...that was more of a joke for myself :)
I won't even start on my dating/relationship philosophies ;)

Anyhow, things will be fine. I know they will, I just have stuff. Just like everyone else.

Nighty night.

Concerning Break Ups

2011-10-14T17:07:00.000-07:00

I was sitting in the temple today. In the celestial room of the Provo temple and I was thinking to myself. I was thinking of what I would say to someone if they were in my position...

I would say,

"You know, people like to put time lines on things; especially break-ups. They'll tell you that if you aren't over someone in three months at the most than you are a weak person and that you are unstable and too dependent. But guess what? They're wrong. There is no timeline for a heartbreak, you know why? Because everyone's hearts are different. We are all very different people with different life experiences and different core values. It's a fact that some people move on very quickly, i.e. my last ex-boyfriend. And there are some people who take a longer time, i.e. me.
Let no one decide how long healing for you takes. You do the best that you can do, not what your last ex can do. Heavenly Father is with you every step of the way, however many steps that is for you. He will be there to give you the tools, the counsel, the comfort and the correction as you need but more importantly as you are ready to accept those things. And under his perfect care and tutelage you will come off conqueror in the end."

Yes.
Yes... I was thinking of what I would say to someone else if they were in my position but I think this was the Spirit saying those things to me.

2011-10-11T20:31:00.000-07:00

I'm lucky. I'm blessed.

It has been a sobering last 5 days.

Many lessons have been learned. But I was ready for them because Heavenly Father knows when I'm ready to learn something.

Things like: "Blame keeps wounds open. Only forgiveness heals! (TSM)"

Or: Friends can pass away unexpectedly. All of the sudden.

Or: First dates get tiring.

Or...: I'm glad I learned early, before my depression got bad, that I am not a victim of depression. I am here to act, not be acted upon. And though I feel misery sometimes, I am NOT miserable. And though I get beat to the ground sometimes, I will always, ALWAYS get back up.

Or: I may not have a lot of light to give away right now but I don't steal other's light. And I don't have to be around people who steal my light. And that's okay.

Life is good. My life is good.

The Ultimate Physical Therapist!

2011-10-08T10:26:00.000-07:00

Conference was an interesting experience for me. It brought back memories that I haven't had to process yet. So, while sitting there being spiritually fed (which I was), I also felt near tears many times.

But it was okay :) I got through it.

There were so many talks that touched me, that I knew were for me. But there was one paragraph, out of all the talks, that touched the deepest part of my soul.

It was from Elder Scott's talk, The Power of Scripture. This is the paragraph...I think you'll understand :)

"Scriptures can calm an agitated soul, giving peace, hope, and a restoration of confidence in one's ability to overcome the challenges of life. They have potent power to heal emotional challenges when there is faith in the Savior. They can accelerate physical healing."

You know something? God is the ultimate "Physical Therapist"; only His "physical" reaches into the mental, the spiritual, and the emotional.
I've had physical therapy before, a few times. My doctor always started with talking with me, asking me how I was, how my injury was and other more personable questions about school and other parts of my life. Then he would set me up with electric stimulation and massage. After that would be stretching. He always knew what my body needed. Sometimes the stretching would be painful, but just the right amount of painful, only as much pain as I could take.

Are you seeing the similarities?

I have a strange problem with my left hip, it pops out around a ligament and though short-lived, the pain is quite acute when this happens. In order to realign my hips, we would go through very specific procedures that including going between stretching and resistance. He would put his arm over my right knee and under my left and I would have to push against his arm and then he would switch and I would have to push with my other knee; I would have to push against his arm as hard as I could. After a couple of times of this there would be an audible "POP!", an audible "OUCH!" from me and there you have it. My hips would be realigned and I would then be set out to strengthen the joint by exercise.

Heavenly Father, He knows when to stimulate us, he knows when things need to be rubbed out with heat and lotion. He knows when something needs to be realigned in our life and the resistance that we need in order to get realigned. He knows how long to hold a painful position, he knows what stretches we need, he knows what exercises we need in order to strengthen that which was weak, so it can be made strong.

He hears when we say "ouch". He applies ice and lets us rest when we need it.

He knows.

I think I could better show the kind of trust in my "Ultimate Physical Therapist" that I had in my temporal physical therapist. In fact, we could all probably work on that.

That paragraph from Elder Scott was stimulating for me. It gave me new hope in my own recovery. :)

xoxo

Keep Your Head Up

2011-10-07T12:09:00.000-07:00

I am currently unemployed and starting to feel it.

Today I was driving to Alpine (gas money) to pick up some medicine at my doctor's office (more money). Utilities are due today (money) and rent is due next week (LOTS more money).

-pause- I like music, I have my favorite songs and when I'm having a particularly hard day I pray that my favorite songs will come on the radio.
I had already prayed that many songs I knew would play to distract my mind from thinking about things I promised myself I wouldn't think about. -play-

I walked out of my doctor's office maybe feeling like crying a little. I get into my car, turn it on and guess what song comes on? Go ahead just guess a song for fun....

Did you guess one?

Keep Your Head Up by Andy Grammer. Were you right? Is that what you guessed? Because that is the song that came on. Just so you know, I know that Heavenly Father answers prayers. That song coming on was a love note filled with encouragement just for me at just the right time.

So,

I've been waiting on the sunset

Bills on my mindset

I can get deny they're getting high

Higher than my income

Income's breadcrumbs

I've been trying to survive

The glow that the sun gives

Right around sunset

Helps me realize

This is just a journey

Drop your worries

You are gonna turn out fine.

Oh, you'll turn out fine.

Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine.

But you gotta keep your head up, oh,

And you can let your hair down, eh.

you gotta keep your head up, oh,

And you can let your hair down, eh.

I know it's hard, know its hard,

To remember sometimes,

But you gotta keep your head up, oh,

And you can let your hair down, eh.

I've got my hands in my pockets,

Kickin these rocks.

Its kinda hard to watch this life go by.

I'm buyin in the skeptics,

Skeptics mess with, the confidence in my eyes

I'm seeing all the angles, starts to get tangled

I start to compromise

My life and the purpose.

Is it all worth it,

Am I gonna turn out fine?

Oh, you'll turn out fine.

Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine.

But you gotta keep your head up, oh,

And you can let your hair down, eh.

you gotta keep your head up, oh,

And you can let your hair down, eh.

I know it's hard, know its hard,

To remember sometimes,

But you gotta keep your head up, oh,

And you can let your hair down, eh.

Only rainbows after rain

The sun will always come again.

And its a circle, circling,

Around again, it comes around again.

Only rainbows after rain

The sun will always come again.

And its a circle, circling,

Around again, it comes around,

But you gotta keep your head up, oh,

And you can let your hair down, eh.

you gotta keep your head up, oh,

And you can let your hair down, eh.

I know it's hard, know its hard

To remember sometimes,

But you gotta keep your head up, oh,

And you can let your hair down, eh.

Keep Your Head Up

;)

I'm Not the Only One :)

2011-10-03T18:22:00.000-07:00

Thanks for sharing, Will :)

‎"Do I wish I had never endured depression? Absolutely. But to deny the experience is to deny who I am. I still mourn the loss of what could have been, but I also feel deep gratitude for those who stood by me, for the lesson that we must never be afraid to ask for help, and for the feeling of summer that still remains."

-Bryce Dallas Howard

No Regrets

2011-10-01T20:42:00.000-07:00

I just sent a text to a friend of mine and I like the way I worded the situation. I delight in finding the perfect words to describe my thoughts. I have to figure through something and you'll be my guest in doing so. I do apologize beforehand for the ambiguity that will follow, but the situation is more personal and I choose not to self-disclose everything ;)

I have a motto that I've lived by for years: No Regrets. I believe that by giving my all to whatever worthy task is at hand that I could avoid feelings of regret. And it has worked. It doesn't mean, however, that I haven't gotten hurt, because I have. But I could always look at situations and say, "I did my best. And it was good enough."

I have received great council concerning the trails I face in life. I act on faith on the counsel I have been given. And I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father is ever with me and that "I am never far from His side".

I have regrets from this last year. Today brought back memories that were hard to resist, though I did my best to do so. I look back and have to admit, there are things that I would change. Hard fact is, I can't.

My no regrets motto keeps me wanting to make things right. But how do we know what's right? Maybe what happened is right and I'm just kicking against the pricks. Kinda sounds like something I would do.

You know, it's alright to have regrets every now and then? It really is. This is life, we make mistakes that aren't sins, they're just mistakes; errors in action caused by insufficient knowledge(1). It's my sincerest prayer that I have gained the knowledge necessary to not make the mistakes I made twice. Some mistakes I will undoubtedly repeat, but these mistakes, I hope to never remake. I know I'm safe in saying that I will not. It's been a hard, long lesson to learn but I'm confident that I have learned (not that the learning is over yet).

Anyhow, General Conference was soooo good today :) I received many answers, many heavenly fingers pointing me in a good direction, urging me onward, ever onward.

(1) dictionary.com Mistake

I'm No Job

2011-09-29T15:07:00.000-07:00

I was talking with one of my friends over the summer about trials. According to my memory she asked, "How can you ever really be grateful for a trial?"
We discussed it back and forth on how if it was even a possibility. Because we can be grateful for the experience or wisdom we receive from a trial, the words of advice and help and support we can give to others because of what we've been through. But can we ever truly be grateful for a trial in and of itself?

I think yes. But I think it takes practice. I think it requires certain decisions to be made and truth to be understood beforehand.
For instance, since the time I was fourteen and my mom was diagnosed with severe depression and having learned that my great grandma had severe depression and that my gramma also experienced it, I knew that there was a darn good chance that it would be a part of my life. And it scared me. I saw what happened in our family because of it and I didn't want that to happen to me. It was my worst nightmare.

Then I was diagnosed. 5 years ago, I believe.

Brent L. Top put it this way, "Depression like alcoholism, is never totally cured. It is ever-present, but dealt with in constructive ways. The outside influences [remain] the same, but the internal reactions [are] different."

I've had some ungrateful moments, nothing too serious, because knowing that I had a high chance of having depression I tried to prepare myself for it. And you've read my blogs, I tried to remember that someday I would really get to help other people and that helped pull me through. I got a lot of those wonderful chances over the summer helping youth who struggled with depression or anxiety and for those moments, I was grateful that I had been through what I had.

Those times don't always last, I mean, we're human. I'll be the first to admit that I'm no Job. But I try. And that's what matters. I had an ungrateful moment on Monday and though short-lived I was extremely upset that depression was a part of my life. I felt like it had stolen so much from me. Truth? Perhaps. But I've gained quite a bit from it too. More compassion, more understanding, more empathy, a deeper soul, a closer relationship to Heavenly Father and his Son, Jesus Christ as well as the Holy Ghost.

I should really do a sit down with myself and think through the other things I have gained
from all of this. I think that would be beneficial.

Anyhow, I hope you are doing well. I pray for you. Whatever your trials may be, know that Heavenly Father loves you very much and know that your trials won't last forever and that no matter what, you must keep trying :)

xoxo

2011-09-24T19:43:00.000-07:00

Forget.
Don't compare.
When it happens, you'll know. You'll know.

Learn, Practive, Do.

2011-09-22T11:46:00.000-07:00

Over the past several months I've had many people come up to me or write to me and say, "You're so brave."

I appreciate that sentiment/compliment. But I must say, I don't feel brave a lot of the time. I don't write these things to be brave. It's hard to say a lot of that stuff. Fear of being judged wrongly, or being misunderstood and not understood at all are all things that run through my mind as I write. You might ask, "Why do you do it, then?"

Self-disclosure, according to a book I recently have been reading says, 'While there may be some cathartic value in self-disclosure, I find it difficult--like opening up a vein. Just disclosing my difficulties and sharing my story doesn't necessarily help anyone--myself included. "Opening up a vein" only causes one to bleed to death. What helps is a transfusion. I have been open about my challenges, not merely because I want you to know that you are not alone in bearing "thorns in the flesh," but to help you to know how to take hold of the succoring hand of the Master."

That's how I feel about it, only I would change the last sentence to: I have been open about my challenges, not merely because I want you to know that you are not alone in bearing "thorns in the flesh," but to take you with me as I learn, practice and take hold of the succoring hand of the Master; hoping that you will do the same.

The personal application of principles, any good principle, is incredibly rewarding. It's life changing. I hope that is what you are getting and doing from reading this blog.

If not, I guess they do provide interesting stories, eh? ;)

With You

2011-09-18T14:06:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, if not all of you, I suffer from depression and anxiety and I'm merging my "specialty blog": Lifting the Hopeless Heart, with this blog. So, as my first post where I actually include those intimate things that I saved for my other blog I'd like to share the following experience.

What I'm about to tell you is personal. I wondered if it was too sacred to share but I don't think it is. I believe that the doctrine that I experienced last night will help someone understand the Savior better and come closer to him.

Last night I was hurting. I was lying on my bedroom floor (a common place for me to be over the course of this last year) with tears dripping down my face into my hair, wishing that I had someone with me. But could think of no one who would have come that would have known what to do to bring me even a shred of comfort; except the Savior.

You might not know this but depression encompasses many more emotions than just sadness. All of them are strong. Have you ever been in the tide pool at 7 peaks when the waves are their very biggest? That's a good way to describe it, only it's happening on the inside of you. All of these emotions drown out (no pun intended) everything else. It's very difficult to feel the Holy Ghost with that going on (imagine catching a glimpse of a feather in the tide pool at 7 peaks and trying to catch it while trying not to fall off of your inner tube).

I wanted relief. I wanted to feel peaceful. I wanted to feel that warm blanket of safety and comfort that the Holy Ghost used to wrap me in when I woke up in the middle of the night from nightmares. I've prayed many times for that blanket the last couple of months but haven't...been able to feel it.

I thought as I lay there, what can I do? I desperately need to feel the presence of the Savior. I focused harder on calming down a bit. Over the next several minutes, I managed to relax enough to hear this thought in my mind,

“He's here. He's here with you.”

I know Jesus Christ, I have studied his attributes and characteristics like Joseph Smith encouraged in order to build more faith. I know that he descended below all things (D&C 122:8) so that he could be with us during our own moments of declination. This was one of my moments. It wasn't that he was above me in any way. He wasn't even sitting up, he was with me lying on the floor, looking at me, feeling exactly what I was feeling. Feelings that no one else understands; seriously. In all of my talking with other people, I have found not one person who fully grasps what is going on with me. Many have come close and to them I am grateful; but this is different.

It's like he said to me, “...Mine eyes are upon you. I am in your midst and ye cannot see me...” (D&C 38:7) but I am here.”

After lying there a while longer, I found enough strength to get up and crawl into bed, silent tears still falling. My heart still didn't feel well. I closed my eyes and thought through giving my pained heart to him. I whispered, knowing there was little more I could do in the moment, “Here. Take it.”

He did. I don't know how long it took me to drift off but I mentally handed him my heart a few more times before I eventually fell asleep; wrapped in a warm blanket of safety and comfort.

There are true principles here, my friends. Glean what you can from this story, okay? I want you to search through these things for yourself. If you do, I think you'll find that these principles can apply to you.

What Have I Been Thinking?

2011-09-15T22:34:00.000-07:00

First, have I had a lot of time to sit down and think lately? No, not really. I've all of the sudden become an incredibly busy person.

However, there are some moments when I've been able to have my own thought or two. Here are some things that have been on my mind:

Have I changed at all over the last year? Lots happened. Crazy things. But I'm left to wonder if I've really changed from the experience? Sometimes I feel like I lost some trust in people in general, but then again...that's not very different from before. Do you remember that blog? I don't recall which one it is. It was about the law of compensation though, I think.
There are beliefs that I had that I don't have anymore...or have as often. Like the fact that the man I'm going to marry will be an amazing individual instead of someone I'm just going to have to settle for.
I'm also managing my depression and anxiety better than I used to. I haven't hit rock bottom in months :)

Dating has been on my mind too. I haven't felt much like participating in it for a while now but I'm getting back into the swing of things. There's this one guy who I've been out with several times and things progressed a little further tonight but I'm not in any mood for things to move very quick. He couldn't keep his hands off me tonight and I just wanted to say, "Do you know what? Any guy can do what you're doing right now and many have. Why don't you show me something of value, huh? What can you offer me?" Not to come off as high maintenance but I've been "handled" by so many guys that I just go, been there, done that, not a piece of meat.
Show me something of value.
We both know we can do the physical attraction thing, but what else do you have? What's inside?
Does that make sense?

I went to the Institute dance last Friday. Oh my goodness! It was SUCH a blast! I love dancing so much. I love, love, love it. And then tonight I made this amazing dinner and I was dancing in the kitchen while I was cooking and it made me so happy :)

Anyway, those are some thoughts I've been having lately.

xoxo

He Loves Me. He Loves Me Not. He Loves Me!

2011-08-20T20:57:00.000-07:00

With a title like that you could be expecting some incredible love story about how I met some amazing man and after some hardships that come with every relationship he ends up sweeping me off my feet and carrying me into the sunset.

Though this story isn't necessarily about romantic love, it is about love. The greatest kind I have ever known.

It begins with me. Me having this delusion of life and that it is a constant fight and that no matter what happens I'll have to fight through every experience, fists up, punches thrown, guns blazing. And that's life.

That has been my life for quite some time now. Not that I'm complaining, more like expressing how very exhausting it has gotten. To the point that I simple "floated" through a lot of things because of how tired I was on the inside after having beat my way through months and months of inner turmoil. I know that sounds a little dramatic, but try living through what I have from my standpoint and then you may come back and tell me I'm dramatic ;)

I got home from my summer job ready to put up my dukes and start throwing some around again. The mere thought of it caused me to physically drop my shoulders and tear up because I just didn't want to do it anymore. Or at least, I didn't want to feel like I had to constantly fight through life with little or no respite.

I had goals for this fall. Move out. Secure employment. Find a new boyfriend ;) and take a leap into something I had never done before, Student Government at UVU. I have never, ever been involved with Student Government of any kind at any time. And yet a dear friend of mine (who was the Senator for the School of the Arts but is now going on a mission, congrats Brittni!) decided to follow a prompting (for I'm sure that's what it was) and told me that I should apply for the position. This was three weeks ago. I was still working and didn't have a lot of time to get everything together, come up with amazing ideas to pitch to UVUSA, write out all the essays and get everything turned in, but somehow I did it.

And then yesterday, I had my interview in front of a panel of eight people (could have been pretty intimidating had Brittni not clued me in). I felt it went really well. They told me they would be making the decision that afternoon and getting back to me either way. I thanked them, told them to have a nice day and left.

Then I waited.

The call came and my mom happened to be next to me. For the last three weeks I had been praying and praying to Heavenly Father to allow me this opportunity but that if I didn't receive it that I would know without a doubt that that was the way it was supposed to be.
The guy spoke with me a bit and said, "We have decided to offer the position to..." in my mind I was thinking, dang it, they're giving it to someone else. I indicated a thumbs down to my mom and geared myself for the let-down. And then he finished with, "You." I stumbled inside, wait....me? You're offering it to me? I got it??? I looked at my mom and mouthed, "I got it!" The poor man, he asked if I had any questions, which I did but didn't ask because I was kind of in SHOCK and the conversation ended after telling me some information I needed to know.

I almost couldn't believe it. But at the same time I believed it with everything inside of me and I knew without a doubt that I had received the position at Heavenly Father's hand.

So in essence, no, in reality this is a love story. I know an amazing, glorified, resurrected Man and after some hardships he compassionately swept me off my tired feet and carried me into the sunset; this however would be better described as a sunrise. For now is the beginning of a new adventure for me. A new everything. A fresh start with new people, a new environment and new opportunities.

He helped me the entire way. I consider myself to be a creative person but there is no way I could have come up with the ideas and game plans I did in the short amount of time I had all by myself. He helped me and he sent many people to help, too. Brittni and Maurie (a co-worker of mine) being the two greatest helps to me during the whole process.

I can't adequately describe how...geez, I can't even find a word good enough.

No one will understand how much this means to me in a lot of different ways. I'm just so grateful to a God who loves me and knows me. He knows what I need and when I need it; and I'm grateful for that because I don't know how much longer I could have continued with the way things have been going.
But I can solidly testify that he knows. He knows.

I say this in the most respectful manner I can, Thank God.

xoxo

The Fight

2011-08-17T23:56:00.000-07:00

I don't know a thing about boxing except from what I've seen of movies.

I think I know what it feels like to be inside of one though. I know what it feels like to take a punch I know is coming and I know what a punch feels like when it's more or less of a surprise. Now obviously I'm not talking physically, ha! Could you imagine me in a boxing ring? Yeah right. But as for every other aspect I think I have quite the experience ;)

I left for EFY this summer desperate to get away from my life, knowing full well that when I returned to Utah my life would be exceptionally different. I decided to work in Cali to get away from Utah, to get away from memories, from people, from places, maybe even from myself.

Now I'm back and my life is different. I am best-friendless. I am moving away from home, which has been a great refuge for me, I'll have a different job and if things go my way than school will be different too and I won't be in the choir that has shaped my life for the last three years. All the changes were giving me quite a bit of anxiety. Last week was a sort of challenge because I felt like I was reorganizing my entire life. And I wasn't necessarily happy about the changes that had taken place. But I'm coming to grips with it and the more I think about it, the more tender mercies I see from Heavenly Father's hand.

I've been back for a week and have found a place to live that feels like a home, I've had interviews for jobs and my insides aren't doing too poorly either (regarding depression/anxiety).

I've been incredibly blessed. And for the first time in two years I feel like I'm getting some respite. There are little battle's I still have to fight, the everyday battles but I'm okay with that.

I do feel different inside. Do you know what I've tried really hard to do? Remain flexible towards the Lord. I haven't been a peach at it all the time, mind you. But there are moments when I'm thinking to myself and I can honestly say, I'll do what you want me to do... and mean it... and do it.

Do you know what else is on my mind? I spoke to Kendall last night on the phone for the first time in months. I didn't drop the phone when the conversation was over like I had done so many times before. I sort of wanted to but I think that's just history trying to take it's normal action. But I'm not who I was three months ago. Isn't that strange. Of course I still have my core; my core is the same for the most part. But a lot of other things are different. I can't really name them but I have a feeling they'll surface along the way of my future. I'll be able to look back in a year and see some of the changes within me with more clarity.
Some things are sad, but those are the things I'm watching and tending carefully so they don't become habit. Like my trust with others. I've developed a bigger trust issue over the last year or so. In fact, it's making it difficult to allow friends that I already have into my very innermost circle.
-sigh- that's been the hardest change. Not having Callie or Kendall playing that role in my life anymore. Though I still call Callie my best friend, she is, but she's not here for 18 months..I'm really proud of her, you know? She's just super. Super good person. -sigh- we'll see, eh? We'll see what happens next. Heavenly Father has never left me wanting when it comes to sending me good people. I have been very blessed in that aspect of life. Very blessed. I love my good people :)

Anyhow, I'll stop rambling. That's kind of where I am right now. Just figuring stuff out. And it will all come together.

xoxo

Changed

2011-08-07T14:40:00.000-07:00

"As you consider the question of what kind of person you will become, you must understand the

dynamic process of life. You not only can change but you do change all of the time. Sometimes people do
not believe this. They excuse their failures and weaknesses by saying: "That's just the way I am." "I am
just short tempered, impatient person." I can't get up in the morning. That's just the way I am." "That's my
nature." Or, "I'm just shy. That's all. That's just who I am." "I am not really a spiritual person."

To believe that weaknesses and deficiencies in your character are unchangeable is to reject the
central truth of the plan of salvation. You are not cast in stone. You not only can change but you do
change all of the time. You are a dynamic, changing, evolving being. You are always changing. You
never stay the same. You cannot stand still.

You are right now the sum total of what you have thought, said, seen, heard and done. What you
think, say, do, hear and see, cause you to change; to change for good or evil; to become either stronger or
weaker; to either internalize the qualities of light or the qualities of darkness. You are responsible for who
you are and you are responsible for who you will become.

...Every challenge you face, every hard thing you confront, every bad thing that happens to you,

every unfairness, every conflict, every sadness, tragedy, every disappointment and heartache, every
temptation and every opposition happens for one purpose only: to give you opportunity to respond by
applying in your life the teachings of Jesus. As you do so you are changed to become more like Him."
("The Fourth Missionary", By Lawrence E. Corbridge)

It still blows my mind sometimes on how much has happened and changed in the last year for me. One of my co-workers this summer refereed me to this talk when we were talking about this last year. I'm a different person now than I was then. Which is natural. For a few months there however, I was upset at all the change and I kind of felt like I had lost myself. And it was distressing. And still is a little.
There was one weekend during the summer where I felt empty. I felt like I had nothing familiar inside of me. But I believe with my whole heart that Heavenly Father is guiding my life. So, I was prayed to him during that "empty" feeling time and remember saying, "Alright, I feel like I'm empty inside. If I'm empty, I'm empty and I'm okay with this because it could be an opportunity to be refilled with what you want me to be filled with." That reminds me of that last paragraph that I quoted, every experience in life is "to give you opportunity to respond by applying in your life the teachings of Jesus. As you do so you are changed to become more like him" (emphasis added).
I haven't necessarily been fighting the changes that have happened, how could I? I had very little control. But I think right now it crucial for me. Right now is when I need to do something about everything. And honestly, I don't know what exactly that is. Like the quote also says, "You never stay the same." So, maybe it's just allowing it to process. To accept that my life is now different and that the difference isn't bad it's just...different.

It's time to ask myself, "What am I going to do about it?"

..did any of that make sense? I'm sorry I only addressed a part of that quote, but I loved all of it and it was worth quoting. Besides, it will give you an opportunity to ponder on it for yourself. Maybe there are things in that quote that you need to think about for yourself.

Loves

I Like to Color

2011-08-02T14:50:00.000-07:00

Saturday night we went to this 99 cent store. And in it I found a Precious Moments coloring book. Precious Moments are these cartoon children with tear drop eyes and every picture has flowers and hearts. I used to have a book of their little stories and my gramma had a coloring book at her house that I used to color in with my mom and dad and sisters.

Needless to say, I was really excited that I found it. I bought and have been coloring in it for days. It makes me so happy :) I brings back good memories. :)

My Mission

2011-07-23T16:21:00.000-07:00

Three years ago I was deciding on whether or not going on a mission. It was a hard decision because honestly, I didn't want to go. But, I wanted to confirm it with Heavenly Father. It took three months. At first I was asking with my ears plugged. Only half willing to hear his real answer. But I finally got to the point of humility where I could ask him and I was sincerely listening. Know what he said? He told me it was my choice. Guess what I chose?? You got it. I chose not to go. However, I still wanted to grow as an individual as though I had gone on a mission. I still wanted to spread the gospel and bear testimony of Jesus Christ and bring others closer to him. That is what I asked Heavenly Father for; those opportunities.

I have gotten them. Summer of 2008 I began EFY (I know in my last blog I was unsure about being here right now. But that's irrelevant for right now). EFY is a week of missionary opportunities. You live the gospel of Jesus Christ and teach about it all day long. In the fall of 2008 I got into LDC which is a missionary choir. It went all school year. So, basically from the summer of 2008 until this summer (about four years total) I have been testifying of Jesus Christ. I have been teaching the gospel in very real ways. Much like a mission.

It's been awesome guys. It's been my mission. I have loved it.

"Bizzee"

2011-06-25T22:15:00.000-07:00

SO!
I was part of the EFY team that piloted the first SLC Special Edition. It was cra-cee. Normally at EFY in my position you have time to...well, you just have time. This last week we literally had no time. It was go, go, go. And then go some more. ...and then some more after that. On top of all of this I felt unusually tired for only the second week of EFY...then I realized that this it was actually my fourth week because I did two as a counselor at the beginning of the summer. SO, that was my fourth week and I stopped feeling bad for being beyond exhaustion.
Anyway, glad it happened, glad it's over.

We flew into Santa Barbara this morning for two weeks and this evening we made the short walk to the beach. It's beautiful! We're at the University and it sits right next to the ocean. I walked along the soft sand, kicking it in front of me to scatter the flies and searched for shells and neat rocks. The tide wasn't too high and there were parts of the beach that were covered with only a few inches of water and it felt so good to walk through the shallow water, to hear the sound my feet made as I made my way. The sun wasn't too hot. There was the ocean breeze. It was beautiful. I left feeling so pleasant :) and peaceful! It was so nice after such a crazy week.

I'm doing well personally, I believe. Although EFY is so great it's also very challenging and hard at times. It stretches you like no other job. Other jobs you compete against others for better wages but here you're competing against yourself. Which sounds unhealthy and it could be if someone takes it too far. But on a whole you grow immensely as an individual. No other job that I have experienced (and I've experienced some) has exercised every part of me and my life. Social, Spiritual, Mental and Physical. AND I have to make sure that the counselors I'm over are all excelling and progressing in those areas as well. And then after that to make sure that their participants are also growing in those areas. It's tough. But so rewarding.

I know I say this every summer, but this is my last summer with EFY. It really is. It's so great but there are other things I need to be doing. Things that I can't do while I work EFY.

Bitter. Sweet. Bittersweet.

2011-06-05T22:43:00.000-07:00

Bittersweet- "both pleasant and painful or regretful: a bittersweet memory."

For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things.

2 Ne. 2:11

...for if they never should have bitter they could not know the sweet—

Doctrine and Covenants 29:39

...they taste the bitter, that they may know to prize the good.

Moses 6:55

I'm not saying I'm entitled to anything. All I'm saying is that I know about the principle of compensation Elder Wirthlin spoke about in General Conference of Oct 2008. He said, "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

I haven't lost anything too great...well, that might be a bit of a lie. I have lost some things that have been incredibly important to me. I try my hardest not to complain about the things in life I've lost, again they aren't great compared to others losses, but that doesn't mean that they weren't great to me. How tender and merciful is it that Heavenly Father promises that "every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude"?

I've had the suffering and am having the suffering, but I've been promised every joy available in marriage and family and life. I believe that I will have a slam-dunk life because of what I've been called to go through. I've definitely tasted the bitter. And you can bet your bottom dollar that I will know the sweetest of sweets and I will absolutely prize the good.
I've actually seen that principle already in my life. Perhaps I'll tell you about it tomorrow. I have a bit of a cold and need to go to bed now.

Toodles

My Great and Dreadful Boys

2011-06-04T09:59:00.000-07:00

The title of this blog is a little deceiving because my boys this last week weren't dreadful at all (well they probably are to Satan) but they were definitely GREAT!
This last week at EFY I had the opportunity of rubbing shoulders with twelve latter-day stripling warriors. To keep this short I will just give you some of the highlights of observing, listening and talking with these young men.
You could tell that they were all pretty popular guys back home (most, if not all, of them were athletes, they were good looking, outgoing, the whole sha-bang). Our entire group was golden. But I feel it's more impressive and important when the young men of the church stand up for what they believe in and share their testimonies and convictions, their thoughts, their ambitions for the future. Every time one of these boys opened their mouths to share what they had been reading in their scriptures or a thought on the gospel I was...what's a good word? Not surprised...I want to say shocked but that's not right either. It was more of a "whoa." Yeah, that's the word for their insights: WHOA. They were amazing. They were deep. You could tell that they loved the scriptures and studied them not just read them.
Every meal time several boys would go around gathering the girl's trays of dishes or their garbage and take care of it for them.
They complimented them all several times on how grateful they were that the girls were so modest throughout the week (our girls were amazing as well! All-stars!).
They willingly participated in all the activities during the week.
But the best part was last night. Friday. After our company devotional to close the week. The boys stood before the girls and gave them each a piece of paper that they had written notes on for them. They thanked them again for being modest. They sang "Called To Serve" (my girl co-counselor and I looked at each other and said, "These guys rock! When they could be saying, hey, call me, or hey this or that, they decided to sing a song about going on a mission!). But that's not all. No sirree. After that, several boys came forward and said, We have to stick together. It's going to be hard going back. It's going to rain down. But we stick together. Another boy talked about not settling for some loser of a guy but to expect a man of God for a spouse (my co-counselor and me: Who Are These Guys???).

I'm not trying to bash on the guys my age but man, those teenage boys showed up many "men" that I know. Blew them out of the water with righteous priorities, strong testimonies that they willingly shared and true respect for women.
It made me more resolved to not take any garbage from the guys I date and associate with. They will now all be held to a standard set by boys years younger than them.

Love you boys and thanks for an awesome week,

Levie ;)

Add On

2011-05-20T09:55:00.000-07:00

To the LDC post I have someone who majorly impacted me and I didn't include them. And they deserve to be included. Joanna Killgore! She helped me MAJORLY after my break-up in December. She is profound and wise and down-to-earth. When I'm with her I want to be closer to Heavenly Father. I can't think of a better compliment than that. Not that that's what I was going for just to compliment her but she is truly, truly amazing. I learned a lot from her this last year in choir. She helped me understand the importance and possibilities of giving all sorts of pain to the Savior and moving on in life with more freedom and peace. I told you she was down-to-earth and I love that about her. She is who she is and she doesn't care to be anything different. Do you know what that reminds me of? I learned a definition of "pure" in RS last Sunday. It's "that and nothing else". Joanna is that and nothing else. And that's admirable. It's hard for women especially to simple be themselves and enjoy it. Joanna does this. :)

Thanks Joanna

Thoughts on Punching

2011-05-18T11:08:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish situations were tangible enough to punch in the face. I would love to be able to deck this situation and stand over it and say, "Yeah. That's right. Don't even think about getting up."
I suppose there are certain ways you could do that, figuratively or whatever. But I seriously think that some situations need some sense knocked into them and my fist would love to do the job.

I'm not normally a physically abusive person. I threaten people all the time that I'll punch them in the face or something out of jest but when it comes down to it, there's no way I could strike another person. I had to slap a guy this one time over and over for a music video he was doing and I was shaking afterwards. It's really not me.

However, there has been one person who has been in my life in such a way that I really wanted to deck 'em. Like walk up to them and BAM, send them to the ground...and it was at church no less. And I guess there was one other I wanted to deck due to the situation I found myself in which I could attribute to them initially.

Hmm...you know something, I actually think I could punch someone if I think they really deserved it. But couldn't we all? Or most of us anyway? I know some people who really could never, ever hit someone. That's good for them. I'm not a physically abusive person but if someone really had it coming, I'd do it. Only to a boy though. Boys can handle that kind of thing. I'd never punch a girl.
Actually, now that I think about it, I think it'd be kind of cool to deck a guy sometime. The real question is, would I even be able to, I'm not a very strong person physically...hmm, I wonder if adrenaline would help me out in that area? I'd probably be really sore afterwards, with a potentially broken hand.

Man, I'm so feisty! Maybe I should look into kickboxing or something to get all this aggression out.
Don't worry though I'll try not to punch anyone for real, even if I feel like it ;)

"Old Things Are Passed Away"

2011-05-15T17:09:00.000-07:00

Lots of just random thoughts or things that have happened lately...

The other day I said something and a good friend of mine said, via text "Ah, that sounds like my old Erin :)"
She didn't mean anything bad by it, but my insides tightened up because I don't want to be "the old Erin" again. I am a new Erin. I've had a head-spinning amount of things happen that have changed me, not to an unrecognizable state but enough that the thought of going back to the way I used to be gave me anxiety. Nope :) not going back, only going forward

During Sacrament meeting today a RM was speaking and he was talking about how we are constantly teaching others by our behavior and what comes out of our mouths and what we tolerate. That last one hit me. What do I tolerate? I know for sure there are things that I tolerate that I shouldn't. Some other's language/behavior. My own thinking, sometimes. It just made me wonder. I'm going to keep thinking about things that I shouldn't be tolerating when it comes to me and others.

For those of you who know me really well you know that I have a strange sympathy for inanimate objects. As a little girl I used to always pick the glasses from the back of the cupboard because they rarely got used. I would sit in the chair that rarely got sat in, watch the movie that never got watched and so forth. Kind of silly, but whatever :) Today in our Preach My Gospel class we were talking about setting goals and how when we have the Lord's help we not only reach our goals but he makes it possible to attain so much more than what we had originally planned. There's a quote by M. Russel Ballard that talks about how when we learn to master the skills of making and achieving goals we realize our full potential instead of just a small part of it.
I automatically thought about a glass and how if you put just a little liquid in it, it's not living up to it's full potential, it was made to hold liquid up to the lip. Of course it can hold less than that, but it's capable of holding so much more. That made me think of us and how it's possible, even probable that we create goals that aren't allowing us to reach our full potential; that's where we need Heavenly Father's help because he's really the only one who can see what our full potential is and how much liquid we can hold.

Last thought came from Relief Society, we talked about honesty. One of the wives of our bishopric talked about how we should always choose authenticity over comfort. And how if we are honest and authentic in our relationships we can become more vulnerable and then that person will feel more inclined to be vulnerable in our sphere as well. I feel like I'm always pretty authentic. The vulnerable part though...I dunno if I'm quite ready for that yet. We'll see, but I just don't know yet. I still feel like I'm recovering from that part of my last break-up. I know it's been a while, but it's the way it is for me and I've accepted that it could still take some time.

I just spell checked everything and I only spelt one thing wrong! I love it when that happens. I can say nothing for my grammar though...I've come up with a very distinct way of writing which doesn't always include grammatically correct structure :) but hey! I know all of the rules, I just choose not to use them.

Anyhow, those are some of the things that have been rolling through my head lately :)

Summer Time - My Time

2011-05-13T21:12:00.000-07:00

Mmmmmmm. Tonight was my first time being able to go outside, lay on my lawn and look up at the night sky (without freezing). It was wonderful. I think out of every other time and location, I feel most at home and most myself and most in tune when I am outside in the warm night air, gazing at the stars.
I've had so many powerful spiritual experiences in this setting. Powerful, personal revelation. And even more sacred experiences which I cannot share but always remember when I'm outside in my backyard.
It's been a place of self discovery, a place of divine discovery. It is so often there that I can close my eyes and really, really feel heaven, be a part of heaven, even. For didn't Joseph Smith say that heaven is on earth? And if we realized how many people from the other side of the veil were surrounding us, we would rethink how we think and act? Or perhaps it was Brigham Young...man, I don't even know where I could look to find that reference. I'll try and find if for you. Until then, don't quote me on who said it :).

I know I just blogged about this last time but I was participating in my cousin's wedding all day today. It was so awesome. I loved listening to the sealer and his counsel to my cousin and her then soon-to-be husband. I loved seeing all the family and friends that came and just being able to watch the very beginning of a blossoming marriage take place. It got me so excited. I'm a little embarrassed to admit it again, even though I've done it before, but I am looking forward to getting married with great anticipation. There are so many things I want to do for my husband! I just want to leave him little love notes and throw my arms around him when he comes home at night and cook together and so many other little cute things to show him that I just adore him. But most of all (next to Heavenly Father) I want to love him with my whole heart and soul. I have so much love to give and I'm waiting until the day I can just let it all loose and give it all to someone who deserves it! I don't want to have to hold back anything, I just want to give him my all.

:) :) I can't wait :) :)

Hopeless Romantic to Hard-core Realist

2011-05-10T22:45:00.000-07:00

I was always a hopeless romantic. Or so I thought. In high school I was always writing stories about cute scenarios and romantic happenings and so forth. I loved chick flicks, I loved talking with my girl friends about boys and some cute thing they had done or cute things we were looking forward to them doing.
Some of those things happened :) I was asked on my first date two weeks before I turned 16 (that's a huge deal to a 16 year old!). I had crushes through high school and college. I've had guys do some pretty cute things for me. Then I realized that I might be secretly embarrassed if someone did something seriously romantic towards me...

This is why I'm writing this: I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and how he's completely infatuated and interested in this girl. She is perfect in his eyes. "She's amazing! She has this and this and this about her...she's so incredible!"

I sat there and listened and agreed because I know the girl and she is amazing and incredible. But it got me thinking. First came an insecurity of mine. Will the day ever come when guy says those things about me? Will a guy ever feel or think or speak that way about me? IS that possible? -wait a second. Do I even want that?- Now, I wasn't jealous or down-trodden by this; if anything it made me realize that while surely for some girls that might be important to them to have that, it's not desirable for me.

If a guy were to say that stuff about me I would be inclined to think, "Okay, well do you actually know me?" Do you realize I have faults? Weaknesses? Don't you think you're setting yourself up for disappointment?

I don't know, I was just listening to this friend of mine and thinking (not necessarily about him, I don't doubt his sincerity) is this for real? Because this sounds like unrealistic talk.

I wonder where my transition from hopeless romantic to hard-core realist happened? And I'm not saying that I don't want my boyfriends or future husband to not be romantic, are you kidding me?? Of course I still want that. I want to feel adored and respected and all of that, but when it comes to me and my dating and successful relationship philosophies I need someone who knows all of me and loves all of me.

Again, not saying that this boy didn't know all, or at least a good portion, of this girl. It's just that the whole concept just sounded fleeting. Someday those ideals might crumble and what do you have left? A person. Plain and simple.

I had a relationship where I was keenly aware of the persons...um..shortcomings? Weaknesses? Tendencies? I still loved him.

Oh wait.

Wait just a second.

Do you know what? ...I did think that way about that guy. I thought he was the bee's knees. Man, I'd forgotten. I thought he was absolutely incredible. Holy Cow! How funny! I'd completely forgotten about that! HahhahahhAHhah! Oh, how fabulously ironic.

Well, maybe I just answered my own question. My hopelessly romantic ideals were...wiped away, in a sense. I was made aware of his shortcomings, weaknesses and what-nots after I thought he was amazing and you know what? It didn't matter. I knew the truth about him (I think there is only one other person on the planet who knows him as well as or better than I do) and I think that's what made the relationship stronger. Knowing those things about someone and still loving them gives a relationship depth, it gives it ...real-ness.

Yes, my hopeless romantic ideals were smashed, but I found something much better among the debris. I found real life. And real life is way better than some dreamt up version with no substance, no staying power.

Of course I look forward to the romantic part of relationships, I've loved that part of my relationships. I look forward to it blossoming in marriage. But more than that I'm looking forward to working through hard things with my spouse. I'm looking forward to making hard decisions together. I'm looking forward to not taking for granted any moment that I have with him. The good, the not-so-good, the smooth parts, the rough parts, the seemingly boring parts and the more exciting parts.
That's real. That's the real stuff.

Man, I can't wait to get married. I'm so excited. :)

Hmm, this blog took an unexpected turn, didn't it? Hope you had fun exploring with me as you were present for one of my insights in process.

The Last Year and Summary

2011-05-08T16:35:00.000-07:00

LDC 2010-2011
Memorable people:
Tyson Wright- Tyson has been in choir for me all three years and he is someone I quickly gained a lot of respect for. This year he and I worked together on the stage and it was awesome. He is so dedicated and such a hard worker. It was easy to work with him. Tyson helped me a lot this year personally, too. I know for a fact that he has a lot of respect for me just as I have for him. I love how genuine and real he is. I remember once when we were singing for the Forgotten Carols, I didn't want to be there and he "randomly" came up and just started talking about how amazing Heavenly Father was and we had this really good 5 minute chat about how much we loved Him. His testimony is solid and something he is not ashamed or detracted in the least from sharing with other people. :)
Sierra Ainge-I got to know Sierra better this year and I'm so glad I did. She was a great support to me as I dealt with depression and anxiety. I could always go to her and she would know how I felt and what I was going through. She validated how hard of a situation I was having and gave me the right kind of encouragement and advice. We are a lot alike but in a different way...sounds odd I know! But it's true, we think a lot alike, we both give all our energy to our relationships, etc. It was fun to have someone who I could relate with even though we still had different personalities.
Chelsea Brinkerhoff-Another third year with me. I really got to know her this year. She also is very down-to-earth. Her example of caring for other people was incredible. She was every ones friend and often took the more "obscure" people in our choir and took them under her wing ;) that sincere love and care for others was felt throughout the entire choir. And I felt it for myself.
Jenny Flores- Wow. Jenny is amazing. She is another dedicated individual. She was always there helping with things and is always someone who could be relied on. She's also very wise. There were many times I went to her to seek advice on events happening in my life and she was always there with encouragement and gospel doctrine to whatever was going on with me. She always included me on get-togethers even when I was having months of anti-social-ness. She was a great example of a missionary and she's good at it! She meant a whole lot to me this last year especially.
Rebeckah Pehrson-Another third year. I was good friends with Beckah last year but this year we became even better friends :) she is so amazing. She is humble and yet ready at any given moment to step forward and do what is asked of her. She also was a good support to me through those really hard months of mine. She made me laugh and feel lighter and cared for. I grew a very deep love for her this year. AND we're moving out together in the fall. YAY!
Jonathan McManus-Another Wow. My relationship with Jonathan is kind of interesting because we really care about each other, in a non-romantic way. He was like a brother for me, only better (only because I don't really have amazing relationships with my own brothers). I could always, always go to him for a hug or tell him a crazy dream, or how things were going with my struggles and he never judged me or imposed advice or anything on me. He was just there for me.
Of course there are others but for the sake of length I'll leave it at that.

Memorable moments:
DOING SOMETHING TOTALLY DIFFERENT FOR THE CHRISTMAS SHOW STAGE. We did minimalism :) If you know Bro. Eggett you know that this is a phenomenal thing. Every year it seems that everything gets more and more elaborate. I was glad to come in and take away from of that a bit. It ROCKED. For example, the manger (which I spent hours on last year) was a manger. The end. Loved. It. AND we designed it for the opposite side of the gym which was also awesome in my opinion.
Being the last choir to sing in the Provo Tabernacle.
Singing in the Forgotten Carols.
Singing a solo in front of the most influential group of people I've ever had in my life.
Doing our show in the CONFERENCE CENTER THEATER!
Not participating in the talent show. An odd memorable moment but it was the first time in about 5 years that I hadn't been in the talent show.

What I learned from the last three years:
I was able to share some of this at our third year commemoration but I'd like to be a little more articulate on here.
I tried out for choir because I had been involved on the side for the two years before I was in it and I knew that it was full of really good people. At the time I was hanging out with the wrong kind of people and dating the wrong kind of guys. It wasn't so much that I was a bad person or that I was going down the wrong road but I did know that if I didn't make a decision about going down a good road I might end up in trouble later on. I went into choir with little to no self-esteem and like I mentioned in my previous blog I didn't feel like I was someone worth getting to know. That all changed. With the help of LDC I believe I have become a solid person with a solid testimony and knowledge of who I am and my potential.
I learned that if you go willingly to the Lord and say, this is what I have, not only will he use everything you offer but will multiply your abilities over and over again. I adored giving my whole heart and soul to this choir, to the fact that I got to talk of Christ, rejoice in Christ, preach of Christ, and even prophesy of Christ. I learned how to become an instrument in his hands and dedicate my time and talents to building his kingdom.
This choir has answered hundreds of my prayers. No one will ever fully understand, but I do and Heavenly Father does and that's good enough for me.
I'm so grateful to Heavenly Father for letting LDC be such a big part of my life :) but I also know that I was not sent to earth to sing in LDC, there are many more great things ahead in my life to participate in; more mortality's to cross, worthy things to give my heart to and more growing to be done.

Life is going to continue to be great.

xoxo LDC

The First Two Years

2011-05-01T22:28:00.000-07:00

Fall 2008 my life began to change.

It had been the hardest year of my life up to that point. I had previously been hanging out with the wrong kind of people, dating the wrong kind of guys, thinking the wrong kind of things about myself.
Made it into one of three or four alto spots that had been open in the Latter-Day Celebration choir.

LDC 2008-2009
Memorable people from that year:
Phil Leue- Helped me see that if I wanted people to believe I was worth speaking to and getting to know that I had better start acting like it.
Katy (Wadley) Ives- Wrote the spring script with her that year. We've been life long friends but she truly was such an incredible influence for me. I loved working on the script with her and Bro. Eggett, we all laughed a lot during our meetings :)
Emily Smith- She had been my Building Counselor at EFY that previous summer, she was and still is an incredible mentor to me.
BJ Oldroyd- Helped me see myself as something better and as someone who was easily trusted. He was one of the first people who befriended me in choir.
Lauren Anderson- Had taken a class with her, we had both previously tried out and not made and both made it in that year! Working with her was always awesome. She was (and still is) such a great example of hard and dedicated work. Every show we had her touch was extremely prevalent and turned many an A show into an A+ show with her creativity. She made me feel good because she and I could really rely on each other for help and support with our various callings in choir.
Kendall Pearson- Turned out to be my best friend in the spring. He made me feel special. I loved how honest he was with me and how honest I could be with him. He went out of his way to become my friend.

Memorable moments from that year:
The Ensign Concert at Temple Square (Church Music Festival, March 6, 2009) - We learned 13 new songs in two months. Not including the ones for our Spring Show. I was absolutely overcome with the Spirit after this performance. We were the choir that debuted the song "Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer" by Brett Stewart.
The Spring Show about Prophets - Katy and I miraculously (really it was a miracle) pulled the show together in one month.
Paris Idaho show - EVERYTHING WENT WRONG. But it was the most miraculous show we had. I learned that not only wad God still speaking to Prophets today but that he speaks to us as well.
Tour - Was blown away with the charity and sweet spirit that the members showed to us, from attending our show to feeding and housing us in their own homes.

LDC 2009-2010
Memorable people from that year
Kendall Pearson-Became my best friend. A good example of a boy who was willing and wanting to make his family life better than the one he had grown up in. I appreciated him because I could be myself around him, my whole self, nothing hidden. He taught me about trust and determination and resilience. He was a great support to me as my depression worsened. He helped me a lot with my dating life. And ironically, the Spring of 2010 we started dating. He helped me reach inside of myself and dispel needless ideals and showed me that a quality man with the right characteristics could be insanely attractive even if he was four inches shorter than I was ;) I learned a lot about serious relationships and that my ultimate desire in life is to marry my best friend one day and that together we could rely on God in a way that could bring great happiness in this life.
Emily Smith- Continued to blow me away with her wisdom and counsel. She was the president that year and she handled it beautifully. I loved listening to her teach. She taught me a great deal about leadership and teaching and how to relate to others in an incredibly effective and professional way. She inspired me to be a better person, to gain more insight on people and their opinions and to respect them.
Happy People- There were so many happy people in choir this year. Kelsey Brady, Maria Roundy, Rachel Murray, Robert Bennett, Emilyann Judkins, Cole Rasmussen and many others. Everyone in choir that year made a positive influence on me.

Memorable moments of that year
Sang in General Conference!!!!
Spring Show - Homeward Bound. Helped plan, build and delegate the building of the set.
Me: Bro. Eggett, how would you like the Nauvoo temple part to look?
Bro. Eggett: I want a wall of it to scale.
Me: To scale?
Bro Eggett: Yeah, let's build a wall to scale in the gym complete with sun stones, the star windows, all of that.
Me: ...
You want me to build a wall of the Nauvoo temple to scale in the gym?
Bro Eggett: Yeah, wouldn't that be cool?!
Me: Bro Eggett, a to scale wall won't fit in the gym.
Bro Eggett: And let's carve the sun stones out of styrofoam blocks. Like three or four of them.
Me: You want me to carve actual sun stones?
Bro Eggett: Yeah, they're only like three feet wide and two feet tall or four feet wide and three feet tall. Go research them.
Me: -sigh- Alright, Bro Eggett, whatever you say.

To be continued...

Save the Last Show

2011-05-01T00:09:00.000-07:00

Tonight was my last "official" show in the Latter-Day Celebration Choir. I have had three glorious years in this wonderful group and I thought I'd pay homage to how it's been a force for good in my life, a reason to change and become better and better.
I'll write it tomorrow...it's far too late right now.

:) xoxo

The Worst Things Don't Occupy Eternity

2011-04-27T22:17:00.000-07:00

I'm glad I know who Heavenly Father is. I know him. I was returning some redbox movies tonight and on the way there in my car I thought about how blessed I am to Him. And how perfectly he takes care of my life.
He certainly works in "mysterious ways" that actually aren't that mysterious when you think about it. His works...work. And they always will.
It's so neat to think that even the worst things in this life aren't there forever. They go away after some time.

The worst things don't occupy eternity. Isn't that the greatest tender mercy you could think of? :)

2011-04-25T14:25:00.000-07:00

Truth.

Truth.

Truth...

I'm not a jerk.

And I'm not a liar. I am not manipulative. I don't have a hidden agenda.

I am an inquirer after truth.

Out of State, Out of Mind?

2011-04-24T22:23:00.000-07:00

Have you ever asked yourself, "What good is this going to do me?" or "What good is that going to do?" Usually, I would say that that is a pretty narrow minded thing to say. Even though I have said it before and actually quite often lately. Would you like to know one way I operate? A little peek into how I search things out and make decisions?

First I think about it myself and acknowledge how I might feel about said decision. Then I'll pray about it. then I will ask anywhere from three to eight other people how they would handle the decision or situation. I get a lot of good feedback that way. As I listen to all these people and their thoughts and feelings on the matter, I sift through it all and take what I feel could apply to me or what I can actually use and then on my own make up my mind on what to do.

It has served me well multitudes of times. Mostly I'll ask just two or three of my closest friends but on occasion I'll ask someone I don't know very well but have been observing, who I feel could have something worthwhile to say.

I just did this recently, that's why I'm thinking about it. With this particular decision I've asked more people than I usually do. I've spoken with probably.... oh... ten or fifteen people collectively over the last couple of months. But up until last week I still had no idea how to proceed. Then I got an answer, felt really good about it. Talked with three people in depth about my decision and casually talked about with two or three others. One person gave me serious doubts about my decision. While the rest agreed with me and gave me encouragement.

*I appreciate people who allow me to step outside of my own "norms" and help me explore new avenues. I do have friends (who out of care, certainly) hold me in my norms. This I don't like, no matter how good their intentions are that's not what I need right now. I need people to encourage my expanding, my reaching, my exploring and my attempts at making correct decisions and changes. Man, friends who do that, or even those random people I talk to, gain my instant respect and love.

I can't wait for June. I'm leaving for work in June; out of state. I'm really, really looking forward to it for lots of reasons. Making new memories, new friends, being in a new environment. Everything will be different around me. Which is so appealing right now. Such a difference to what now is simply me being so different and everything around me looking the same. Even though it's not. Not even close. I just like the thought that if things are going to change so much then I want more of a dramatic change. Get me out of this box I'm in and put me somewhere new. I can't wait for June. :) I hope that the old phrase "out of sight, out of mind" will do me some good.

I just decided that the most important paragraph in this post is the one with the *. Don't care if I used it wrong. It works. Yep, that's definitely the most important paragraph.

Doing Great

2011-04-22T23:03:00.000-07:00

Sooooo, things have mellowed out a bit :) I got to go through the Mount Timpanogos Temple on Tuesday and it was the most fantastic thing that has ever happened in my life. I feel better now than I have in the last six months. It is absolutely wonderful. I feel great. And when people ask me how I am I can honestly say, "I FEEL GREAT!"

:} I can't tell you how good it feels to feel good.

ANGER

2011-04-11T17:07:00.000-07:00

Anger is an emotion that I rarely feel. I categorize my emotions as accurately as I can in all situations, which means frustrated, annoyed, stressed, hurt and all those things come before me getting to the point of being angry.

However, something happened today that made me angry. You don't need to know the details but it's proving hard to shake. I'm super snippy with people and I feel like I need to lock myself in my room so that I don't risk doing or saying something stupid!

Anger is a secondary emotion anyhow most of the time; a defense mechanism. I know what happened though, so why am I still angry about it? It just doesn't usually last this long. I can usually diffuse it pretty darn quick..

Hmmm...interesting. I really don't like feeling like this.

Decompose

2011-04-08T22:42:00.000-07:00

Surely if we were to look at those relationships in our lives that have ended, we could choose a different word to cover the after math of that ended relationship. We could describe it perhaps as it decomposing instead. Because when something decomposes it makes the earth beneath it richer and more fertile, more capable. It has more potential for healthy things to grow there.

Couldn't it be so with our hearts? Don't the relationships of our past, whether good or bad (if we allow them to properly decompose) make the soil of our heart become richer and able to hold more nutrients for a plant to grow and be healthy and strong?

Decomposing takes time, but when properly maintained, a fertile ground is creating for growing new things, new relationships, new love; healthier love.

It doesn't have to be bad. It doesn't have to be. Everything can be turned for our good. But it is up to us to toss out the stones that cumber our heart; stones like bitterness, hopelessness, negativism, and stubbornness. It is our choice to let those rocks lie or to recognize them for what they are and then toss them out.

Beautiful is the earth that one allows "dead" or "old" substance to decompose and create a rich soil ready for new love to grow.

Saved

2011-03-27T21:50:00.000-07:00

I have neat things happen in my life. Really neat things that just cause me to sit back for a moment or two and smile.
I read my journal entries from 2008, which is actually when I began this blog. In the fall of 2007 I had met this boy and ended up falling in love with him. My very first "in love" experience. I would have done anything for him. He, however, did not reciprocate my feelings. He led me on, giving me just enough attention to keep me holding onto a hope that we would end up together. But it never happened. He stopped talking to me.
I am 100 % a relationship person. I put all my energy into the relationships I have with other people. So, this was particularly heart breaking for me.
2008 was a hard year and in the moment I wondered if I would ever get over this boy and if I could ever look back on the year and smile and laugh. Well, I did smile and I did laugh as I read through those pages. So many crazy things happened that year. But many, many amazing things as well. I know I handled the situations that came my way with the guidance of the Holy Ghost. I know that Heavenly Father held my heart together. I exercised such faith.
A few months ago I had been wondering how I did that. It was truly remarkable. I smiled at how I handled things. Many things have changed in my life but one thing has remained constant. And that's Heavenly Father. He led me through 2008. He is scattered across most if not all of my journal entries. He still is :)

Yesterday, or last night rather, I was lying in bed, thinking. I thought back to my most recent break up and the events that surrounded it. I didn't know that my now ex-boyfriend was going to break up with me. But Heavenly Father knew. I had been going to therapy for a month or so and I was wondering about how much I should include my then boyfriend in the processes I was going through. But I was unsure and hesitant at the thought of involving him. You have to understand that he was my best friend. I told him everything. I relied on him. And I was confused and sad at these feelings I was having of not getting him involved.
But I followed the prompting. And shortly thereafter he broke up with me. And it's been hard :) but do you see the wonderfulness in all of this?
I have seen it time and again, Him saving me from more pain than I could take. If I had been relying on my boyfriend as a support and he broke up with me, it would have been much worse.
It makes me so grateful. It makes me grateful that I have chosen to give my life to my God because he has taken excellent care of me. I'm a walking miracle. My life is a miracle.

2011-03-14T23:25:00.000-07:00

So, today was my birthday and guess what I found out? Depression does not observe birthdays, nor does anxiety. :) But it's okay. I'm just counting yesterday as my birthday (Sunday) it was warm and sunny and happy. And it's my birthday so I can do whatever I want, right??

I just wanted to take a moment and thank everyone who has stuck by me recently. I know it can't be extremely easy for you. What I'm going through right now is completely alien to me, as I described to someone earlier this evening. I'm used to being there for people no matter what. I'm used to being a very good friend to everyone, being thoughtful, spending time with them, and so on. But I haven't had the ability to do that lately. I know that might sound strange, but I'm seriously struggling not to pull into myself on a weekly basis.

That's what I feel like doing. I feel like folding into myself often. But I know that if I do that it would make everything a hundred times worse. Relationships with others are my life force (second only to Heavenly Father). And this depression and anxiety has been causing some of my most important relationships to disintegrate...to me anyway. Because I can't be there like I used to with my dear ones, my friends. I used to be someone that others would come to to be uplifted, encouraged and strengthened. I think this is the most devastating part of depression for me. I fear it's made me unreliable...

I can only take so much of people lately. But I love you all so much at the same time.

So, if I haven't been there for you like you feel I should have been, I'm sorry. I really am. But I want you to know that I am trying very hard. And I can only do my best, which at this moment might be less in the relationship area than it used to be.

Enough of what used to be now. It doesn't matter. The Holy Ghost has been teaching me this lately. That what used to be isn't important anymore. It's okay for me to just try and survive emotionally right now. And I do what I can every day. I'm actually quite pleased with what I was able to do today :) I switched loads of laundry and folded clothes and ironed shirts for my mom while she wasn't at home. And I cleaned my room!

And I locked my car keys in my trunk at Shopko :} and got to sit on my trunk in the sunshine while my mom brought me the spare keys :)
It's been a hard day. But it's been a good day, too.

Thanks for sticking with me. I pray for you. I ask Heavenly Father to bless you for your kindness towards me. And I hope I'll be able to return to you what you've given to me.

xoxo

2011-02-28T18:32:00.000-08:00

So many things.

So very many things.

So many things are changing. Are about to change. It's time to move on. Move out. Move forward. I'm learning a lot. I hope I'm ready for what lies ahead of me. I hope I make Heavenly Father proud of me. That's my deepest desire. My number one wish.
I know he's proud of me right now, too. He just told me. Just barely.
I really hope that you are doing what you can to draw closer to him. And I want you to know that it's possible. It's so very possible. It comes one day at a time. One hour. One moment. It comes. And suddenly, after many days, hours and moments, you realize that you actually are closer. And that drives you forward to more sacrifice, more dusting off the cobwebs of mortality, more giving up of things that really don't matter. It comes as surely as the sun rises every morning. It too, comes moment by moment and assuredly it rises to bring forth light and warmth. That's what we can all have. That is what Heavenly Father gives us.
It's not just about him wanting it for us, it's a matter of him giving it to us and us taking it.
Are you ready to take it? Are you willing to drop whatever it is that is keeping your hands full of menial, non-eternal things? I know you are. You are good people.

I hope your week goes really well :)

xoxo

There Is A Season

2011-02-23T16:56:00.000-08:00

I read the status of a friend of mine on facebook the other day about how he had had a night with a bunch of his friends from high school and how some were the same, some were different, but that he realized there was a time for people to be in your life.

I'm not going to lie, I hate it when people leave my life (if you know me well, you know this is true). I get very attached to people. It's not a bad type of attachment; I just like people and I love easily. But there are some people that I get a particular sense about, a sense that I want to be around them more. It's usually because I can feel there's something about them. Something like me. I hardly ever let people know of this attachment because people don't know how to handle it. Honestly, they don't. Sometimes I go out on a limb and just tell them and that has worked a few times but it's rare. It's better if I just keep it to myself.

Anyhow, the reason I'm writing this is because I have lost someone very close to me recently, not to death or even distance but just because the "season" they were in my life is now over. And I don't think it's coming back, however much I want it to. I miss them a whole lot. And it's not like this hasn't happened before, I have had several best friends move out of my immediate life, very dear friends, in last several years and they were all very sad loses. But Heavenly Father always brought someone else into my life to take up that position. To which I have been most grateful.

And now, I'm mustering up all my courage to put my faith in him still because I'm in need of a new best friend. A new someone to whom I can be completely honest with and who will be completely honest with me. It can't be just anyone, though. Not to hurt any feelings and I have many good friends I can turn to. But this is different. And I know the difference. But I'd rather not share it right now. Shocking right?? Erin actually not wanting to share something?? Hahah.

I'll just have to add them to my book of people who have touched my life and remember when they were here with me, right? Focus on the positive? The good things that happened while I had them for that time?
I will, of course.
But it's still hard. And it's still sad. Something I wrote as my status long ago just came to my mind, "Just because something is sad doesn't make it wrong; just sad." That doesn't fit perfectly, I guess I'm just saying that it's natural to feel sadness over this. It's normal. I'm just always on alert now when I have deep feelings because I have make sure I don't let it go so far as to take a dive into depression.

I wish people didn't have to leave. I can't wait for that part in heaven. When we can all finally be around each other forever. I can see some of your thoughts right now, "yikes, there are definitely some people I don't want to be around for eternity." I have some of those, too. But I'm talking about those lovely people who have impacted me deeply. I want to have them around.

I look forward to that. To having those I love with me for forever.
:)

xoxo

The "I Know" Power

2011-02-20T21:11:00.000-08:00

I feel like myself right now and so I thought I'd take the opportunity to write something. :)

I happened upon a quote a few months ago while with a good friend of mine; it was about character. It said,

"Reputation is what others think about you; character is what God knows about you."
-Adrian Rogers

I have been practicing taking less heed as to what others think about me. Not that I don't care or that I don't want them to think well of me but because I used to focus a lot on it; to the point of it being detrimental to me.
Life is so much easier for me when I think about what God knows about me.
I know that he knows that no matter how bad I feel inside or what hard circumstance I just went through he can always count on me to stand up and bear witness of him and his Son. Always.
I know that he knows that I will always keep trying to do what's right, despite the challenges I face or the mistakes I make.
I know that he knows my heart. My true desires. He knows that I take it as my responsibility "to touch people so that they will make the choices that will take them toward eternal life." (Henry B Eyring, To Draw Closer to God).
I know he knows that my greatest desire on earth is to raise a family up to him and to do whatever I can to build his kingdom.

Those are just a few things...

We were talking in Relief Society today about knowing for ourselves that fasting has power. That got me thinking and led me to sharing this experience with them (though I honestly didn't want to tell them exactly what it was about...I ended up telling them anyway because the story would have been super complicated if I hadn't and now you get to hear it, too):

I have had the belief my whole life that when I got married I would have to "settle" for something less than what I wanted. I believed that when I went on a mediocre date it was because I, myself, was a mediocre person. When boys didn't treat me the best I believed it was because I didn't deserve the best. I actually believed this. Others would say, "Oh Erin, you know that you'll marry a fantastic guy" and "You deserve the best" and other positive hopefuls. And I would nod and say, yeah I hope so. "Whatever, you know you will." I would smile and not say anything further because in my head I would be saying, "yeah, I hope so." Without really ever knowing for myself that that was going to happen.

That belief has effected my entire life, the way I view myself, the way I view others and so on. It made depression worse. It made my last break-up nigh unbearable.

Then, in choir one day, one of our men came up to me (one whom I greatly respect and love) and said, "Erin, God is going to give you the best guy." I replied as I always had, "I hope so." He replied with a laugh, "Whatever, you know God is totally going to hook you up. Just trust God."

I went to bed that night, thinking about what he had said. I knelt down and prayed, mentioning what the guy had said, and then got in bed and pulled the covers over me.

Even though I had "ended" my prayer, Heavenly Father kept speaking with me...

He told me that he didn't just want the best for me but that he was going to give me the best.
He told me that.

It was fact. It was going to happen. I. Had. Never. Felt. That. My entire life. Never. I hoped it would happen, I prayed that it would happen but I never knew for myself that it would. It made me cry and then I laughed and cried at the same time, because one, I was actually crying because I was happy, but more importantly because I knew without a doubt how much Heavenly Father loved me. He loves me enough to give me the best.
Because of that experience I now know why knowing something for yourself is soooooo powerful. I can say without hesitation and without fear that I KNOW God loves me enough to give me the best in life. It's not a question. It's not a belief. It's a knowledge.
I want that knowledge concerning everything about the gospel. How powerful a tool I become when I can say to others about the gospel, "I know." And I have used that power before. I make sure to use it when I bear testimony to others. I guess I just never knew I could have the "I know" power in my personal life. But how grateful I am now to have that. And you better believe that I plan on using it well.

I want to thank you all for the prayers you have offered in my behalf. It means a great deal to me. Heavenly Father has truly blessed me by being surrounded by the very best people; you. Thank you for cheering for me and the love and kindness you show me.

I hope that I will be able to repay you.

:}

xoxo

Erin

2011-02-02T12:53:00.000-08:00

I don't have anything incredibly amazing to say right now. Just have a lot on my mind. I've been thinking about individual perceptions and "realities" of life. Did you ever realize that everyone has a different "reality"? One very plain to tell is by what foods people like or dislike. I LOVE milk. Some people despise it. Some people like cold while I abhor it. However, it can go even deeper than that. When two people like one type of food, it can still mean something different to them. Do you know why? Because we all have different memories, different experiences. Some are similar but, for example, Disneyland will never mean to others what it means to me. Disneyland, for me, equals family, childhood dreams, childhood imagination, a grown-up release from adulthood and it's responsibilities. It's really a magical place for me, because of my memories, because of how I view life.
It's good to think this way. I think it makes me less judgemental at times. At other times, however, it makes me feel inadequate. How can I really comfort someone by saying, hey I went through a break-up myself and some of our feelings are the same...but I really have no idea how this is effecting you. I don't know how this will change your perception of life for the future, what strengths you will acquire from this and so forth. However, I have discovered that some people appreciate when I say things like that to them, because it's the truth. I'm not trying to pretend that I understand their pain. I don't. I understand mine but...not yours wholly.
That gets me to wondering about how it's possible to be effective in the lives of others when our knowledge of them is so hopelessly lacking. And of course, the answer to this is the gift of the Holy Ghost. He whispers to us what is really going on in someones heart. He opens a part of their heartache to our view and our understanding so that we can better understand what that person is going through. Isn't that a marvelous thought? Really he's translating a lot of different "languages" all the time. He translates to me in my language what is happening to someone else.
He also translates what Heavenly Father says to us. Because Heavenly Father knows our individual languages perfectly. He can say, "Tell Erin this, but make sure you use an analogy because those really make sense to her." And if it has water involved, all the better ;) (sorry, but most of the analogies I make for my life include water. Which is strange because I really don't like getting wet).
Anyway, just some thoughts on my mind. There are lots of others. But I'll spare you ;)

Hope you're having a good day!

Oh PS, I think Ground hog's day is the most ridiculous tradition that I know of. Why are people putting hope in a hog??? It makes no sense!

A True Insight

2011-01-22T21:45:00.000-08:00

There are so many circumstances in life that are unexplainable. Things happen to us here. It's part of mortal existence, part of our experience.
Heavenly Father does not just look on. Watching the things that happen to us. Here is my story:

I have had some disappointing interactions with other people. Many, in fact. From immediate family members to friends. Many of those things happened when I was young. From the age of 8 until High School. The disappointments characterized themselves as happening when I would give more to others than I would receive back. I would give and give to people and get little or nothing in return. Not everyone, mind you, but enough to make me very careful and limit my expectations when it came to others. If my expectations of others weren't high, then when they didn't give back to me like I gave to them, I could quickly move past it, experiencing the least amount of pain of disappointment. I strongly dislike feeling any negative feelings towards anyone. So, this system worked for me. However, it has led to other issues in my life that have caused me a great deal of suffering.
In the end, I suppose I merely saved myself from one kind of pain.
And so many in the world, after reading this would say, "Yeah, and God let that happen to you!"
To those who would say that, I say, silence. And hear me.
Heavenly Father compensates us for everything. For every sorrow, we will have joy. For every tear of sadness, we will laugh.
I have a belief, truly, that people are unreliable. My particular life experiences have led me to that "conclusion".
Heavenly Father knew that the circumstances in my life may lead me to that belief... and so he gave me a gift. The scriptures call it an "eye of faith". Being able to see things as how they could be, people as how they could be, their potential. He gave me that gift, which is unconquerable, by the way, to combat that belief that people will always be unreliable. That gift allows me to always give someone a second chance. A third chance. However many they need. I don't use it perfectly all the time, because I'm human and I make mistakes.
Right before this insight first came to me, I thought, well, how could those two things co-exist? They contradict each other. The insight came, "They don't co-exist. Look at you. You are still giving people chances. You still have hope in people. Unquenchable hope. Your eye of faith is stronger than that belief and it conquers every time."
You can't tell me that Heavenly Father doesn't know what he's doing! He gave me a gift to combat a huge issue in my life. And that gift has saved me the worst kind of heartache; the ache that comes when hope in others flickers out and you believe you are all alone and have to fend through life by yourself.

Do you see? Did this click for you? What unconquerable gifts has Heavenly Father given you?

xoxo

Someone

2011-01-14T15:38:00.000-08:00

I am, at this moment, sitting in the sun, in a big red arm chair that has been re-upholstered three or four times. There is an avocado green, fluffy blanket behind me and I can feel the warmth of the sun on the front of my legs, my face and my shoulders. And I have a lot on my mind.

Sometimes, I wonder if sharing all that I do on here and my other blog is really appropriate. Or if other people think I'm silly for being so incredibly open about myself, my thoughts and feelings. When this thought comes, several things happen. First, I think back to, oh...maybe four years ago when I was in pre-service to become a seminary teacher. In class once, our instructor made the point that once you work in CES you begin living in a glass house. Everyone is watching you, you share experiences with hundreds of teenagers who inevitably spread it to their friends and family members.
I decided back then, that I was okay with that. I was willing to live in a glass house. I believed in myself and my experiences that whatever they were, they would be helpful to others.
My laundry is beeping at me. Be right back.
Back.
Another thought process that comes (thanks to my counselor) is that, so what if people think I'm silly for sharing so much? Well, I could counter with the fact that I know that the things I've shared on this blog and others have helped others. In fact (speaking of someone thinking that being so open is not the best way to go), someone whom I greatly respect said to me last month as we were talking about my depression, "Yeah, well, those aren't things that you have to share." I could tell that this person isn't the kind of person to be so open. It makes them very uncomfortable. But that doesn't mean that it should make me uncomfortable. And in truth, it rarely does.
I know what it's like to have a question that's been burning at me for a long time, or feeling like I'm the only one going through something and then out of "nowhere" someone comes along and shares a personal experience with me and I end up leaving with extreme gratitude that Heavenly Father sent someone to help me.
That is why I have this blog. That is why I have my other blog. That is why I share spiritual experiences as often as I can. What if it helps someone? So what if it's personal for me?
Of course, not everyone feels like that. And nor should they. Everyone is their own person and responsible to help in whatever way they can.

This is my way :) and I love it.

Thanks

2011-01-02T14:34:00.000-08:00

Hi :)
I haven't written on here for a while, huh?

You know, the only reason I get through all that I do is because of Heavenly Father? I honestly look at everything that has happened in the last three years and am genuinely shocked that I'm doing as well as I am. And that my mental state, though at times dimmed by depression, is really fairly good!

Do you ever have those moments when you know the Spirit just spoke through your very own mouth? I had one of those today in Relief Society. It was a hard day, I went to the family/relationship class and some of the things discussed just twisted my heart a little and made me kind of ill. I wanted to leave. I actually got up and walked out for a minute to compose myself and beg Heavenly Father to assist me then returned and bore through the rest of the class.

The Relief Society lesson today was on the Atonement. Our President asked us, during the course of the lesson, why we had to suffer in life. Some people commented saying that it was to really help us rely on the Lord. To which I totally agree. But I believe there are other reasons, too. I raised my hand and started to speak about being savior's on Mount Zion and sharing the yoke with the Savior and how our experiences help others. Then, at the very end of my comment, this came out, "I don't think we suffer just so that we can rely on the Lord, I think we also suffer so that the Lord can rely on us; to help each other here." The words came out and I'm sure if anyone had really been looking at my face they would have seen a bit of surprise.

I ask myself sometimes, why? Why must I go through this excruciating pain? For it is, in fact, excruciating. It hurts. And it hurts badly. Why must I cry so often, why must I feel so hopeless, so anguished, so defeated, so destroyed...so broken? Some would say, "Why, Erin, it's for you! For you to become stronger!" Well...okay. But I certainly hope that my suffering will be able to benefit others. That's my core desire, I found out today when the Spirit spoke through me. If I am to suffer then I want the Lord to be able to rely on me to help others. I also got up and bore my testimony today and I was consoled because I know that Heavenly Father, no matter what I'm feeling like, can trust me to bear my witness of His Son.

And He can trust me to use what I'm going through now to benefit as many other people as I can. This life isn't just for me. It's for us. You and I, to grow together and to help one another come again into the presence of our God. Don't you think we promised each other before we came to Earth that we would help each other get back?? Don't you think that we promised Heavenly Father and the Savior that we would help one another?? I know we must have. I know I did. I can feel it. Sometimes, it's that promise I must have made to Heavenly Father and His Son and maybe to you, that is the only thing that gets me through all of this.

So, thank you. Thank you for being a reason for me to keep going.

xoxo

2010-12-22T18:00:00.000-08:00

Dear friends,

The last week and a half have been quite severe for me. I've been dealing with a break-up and depression. I have to believe that all of this (depression) will someday benefit others. So, I've made a decision. I'm going to start yet another blog that deals only with depression. It will include exact feelings, things I do to life myself up and out of it when I can, frequency and so on.

I kind of feel like this is a normal thing to do. If others are suffering as I then I feel like the right thing to do is to reach out and try to help those. If anything I wish to help more people understand what depression is and how it feels so that even if they don't experience it, if they have friends or family or significant others who do experience it, they will better know how to support them.

http://liftingthehopelessheart.blogspot.com/

2010-12-17T23:30:00.001-08:00

I shouldn't be awake right now. I should be going to sleep. But I've been trying to find time to update this little blog and this just seems like the only time I have to do it.
Random note: I really don't like having "required" or mandatory" things to do after 5pm. 6pm at the latest but that's pushing it.
Anyhow. I wonder about depression. I ask, how can this hurt so much?? It doesn't make any sense to me. It's hard. I feel emotions ten times deeper than most other people. I have been to the bottom of the well of emotions within myself...
This is a hymn in our hymn book, #120. I've been listening to a version of it lately, I love hearing the Savior's voice so personally.

"Lean on my ample arm, O thou depressed!
And I will bid the storm cease in thy breast.
What-e'er thy love may be on life's complaining sea,
If though wilt come to me, thou shalt have rest.

Lift up thine tearful eyes, sad heart to me.
I am the sacrifice offered for thee.
O, in me thy pain shall cease, in me is thy release,
In me thou shalt have peace eternally."

There are so many things that happen in life that Heavenly Father orchestrates that we simply don't understand. But I honestly think that He gives us hints to figure some things out. Like tonight. LDC performed in the Alpine Tabernacle for Lex de Azevado's "Gloria". I hope they don't have his name tagged so that anything mentioned or written about him is reported...because I didn't want to be in the performance (hopefully I spelled his name wrong...). I was half-way relieved when we heard it was canceled this morning due to the unfortunate and tragic burning of the Provo Tabernacle. You see, I've been hurting more than normal lately and my ward was having their Christmas party tonight and I wanted to go and start opening more doors.
But alas, the show must go on. I know our choir made a commitment to them and we need to be there for them, especially at this time.
-sigh- ha, and I was one of the voices of reason today when we were discussing it in choir and what path we should take. We were all being prideful because the decision was made to cancel our 8 o'clock show on Sunday and instead sing with "Gloria" for the third time.
I am worn. It's so hard to believe that life will get any better. It's so hard to believe that someday I won't be plagued with depression. And that I can live a "normal" life and go for weeks without crying heavily at night for no reason in particular.
But I keep faith. I keep faith in my God who has never failed me. And though depression makes me think sometimes that this will never end, and that this is my life, as personally miserable as it is at this time, the deepest part of my soul knows better. That deepest part where I often trod, desperate to escape the pain and mental anguish. But you know something? I never walk there alone. The Savior is always close at hand. It's incredibly hard to see him beside me while I'm there, nigh impossible actually. But I hold onto the thought of him. And when my desperate soul cries out he always replies with the utmost tenderness and urgency, "Here I am."
Like a child who wakes from a bad dream to the calm assurance of a concerned parent.
I don't like any of this, but for some reason, I have been called to go through this trial and I do not pretend to wait for the day when I find someone who will be willing (which is the hardest thing to believe...anyone willing..) to share this burden with me. HA! So, I started to tear up but it's almost 1am which means that today is no longer yesterday and I had a day this week that I didn't cry. I have great support through all of this, especially coming from my friends in choir. The dear things; they have been so good to me.

My goal in life is to inspire others and life them up. I may not always do a smashing job, especially when I'm going through a bout of depression. But if I were to leave you with a message right now, it would be that even the thought of our Savior is powerful enough to keep you alive, mentally and emotionally. I know that he is always beside us. Ever ready to immediately stretch forth his hand to save us from the storms that blow furiously within us.

"Lean on my ample arm, O thou depressed!
And I will bid the storm cease in thy breast.
What-e'er thy love may be on life's complaining sea,
If though wilt come to me, thou shalt have rest.

Lift up thine tearful eyes, sad heart to me.
I am the sacrifice offered for thee.
O, in me thy pain shall cease, in me is thy release,
In me thou shalt have peace eternally."

Angels, Sunshine and a Peanut Butter Sandwich

2010-11-23T10:29:00.000-08:00

I've continued to struggle with depression. The process is long and hard and quite discouraging at times. I've started to wake up in the mornings already sad and anxious. Yesterday when this happened I resorted to the one thing I have proved again and again with Heavenly Father. I prayed and told Him that the only way I was going to get through the day was if I knew that He loved me.

He is so willing, eager even, to let us know that He loves us.

That was the beginning of my day. I cried before I left for classes. I didn't want to leave my house. I didn't want to go to class; not even choir. It was gloomy and windy outside. But I went. I went to my New Testament class and learned about the Mount of Transfiguration and how angels were in attendance three. My teacher then began a discussion about how angels are always attending us. That was the first "love note" that I received. I knew that I was being attended.

I hadn't eaten breakfast before I left for class. I was going to go home after choir and grab something but then my boss texted me and told me that she had gotten in a car accident and needed me to come in for a little while, which I did. No lunch. I started the long walk to my car, the wind blowing strong from the west. Then, suddenly I noticed that I was getting a shadow. The sun was coming out! Come on, come on out, I thought. It came out and I relished the warmth on my back. That was the second "love note".

I arrived at work. My boss left. I was starving. I called my mom and told her about my day and that I wouldn't be home until later. I couldn't leave work to get food, so I decided to hunker down and try not to get too crabby due to hunger. Then my phone buzzed. It was a call from my house. "What kind of sandwich do you want?" My mom asked. "A sandwich?" My stomach growled. "Yea, what kind do you want?" "Peanut butter and jelly?" I said, quietly. "Ann's coming."

A little while later, Ann showed up with a brown paper bag with the blessed peanut butter and jelly sandwich. That was like three "love notes" at once!! I bought Ann a mint brownie and gave her a hug and thanked her.

Yesterday a lot of unhappy things happened, but every single one of those things was combated by Heavenly Father's love for me.

I testify that He loves us and that he is eager to show us so. I certainly hope you let him.

xoxo

The Lord Has Something to Give Us

2010-11-14T15:14:00.000-08:00

I’ve been under pressure. This is not a new thing, necessarily but it’s been a bit heavier as of late, thus me not sharing things with you recently. But I do have a lot to share. I’ll be breaking it up into a couple of post to uphold my standard of keeping things short and concise and hopefully less burdensome to read :)

How about technology, huh? It’s allowing me to write things in a place that you can go to and read and hopefully get uplifted. My guy’s birthday is at the end of this month and every day I have been able to send him little texts that say something I like about him. I can call my sister on her cell and beg her to bring a belt to me at work because my pants are falling down (thanks Ann!).

I have serious apprehensions about technology though. We cannot be so blind as to ignore the fact that it’s taking over our lives. We have cell phones, iPods, MP3s, laptops, radios, TV, internet, etc. Ever since the beginning of this technological craze I have tried to just splash my feet in the water, while others have freely dived into it.

Let’s just think about some things together.

These same gadgets that are so convenient (which they are!) are the same gadgets that are giving us anxiety, stress, shortened tempers, bad manners, greater irritability and a multitude of other crazy symptoms that I see daily in those around me.

Admit it; you feel quite a bit of anxiety when you’ve found you left your phone at home or in the car. You get stressed out because “What if I miss something important?!”, “What did what’s-his-name respond to my text??”, “What is the score of the game??”

I could go on and on. You know I could. And I want to, but I won’t. I’ll let you come up with your own examples for the other symptoms I mentioned.

So. What are we going to do about it? It’s up to us to be the change. The brethren have said it time and again, slow down, make sure to have quiet time. Slow down. Simplify your life. Don’t allow technology to suck your time away from what is really important.

Dear friends, God and his gospel are the most important things. Being able to hear the Holy Ghost is important. Family is important. How we treat others is important. My Stake President spoke to us today about this very thing. He quoted C.S. Lewis, “The Lord wants to give us something but we can’t take it because our hands are too full.” He also said, “Start living without the things that are keeping you from living with the Spirit.” And “Stop being so thing oriented, me oriented, technology oriented, material oriented.”

This is what we are facing right now! Can I tell you something? I have stopped watching TV, I have stopped checking facebook everyday, if my phone buzzes and I don’t want to answer it, I don’t, if I get a text I won’t respond right away; I feel better. I have begun to govern my own life instead of letting things like cell phones, internet, TV and other things govern it for me.
I hope I expressed myself well. I'm not trying to tell you give up everything, mainly just what is distracting you from hearing the Holy Ghost. I’m worried about our generation. We are being overtaken and we’re okay with it. Try going without for a little while. See if it makes a difference.

“My dear brothers and sisters, we would do well to slow down a little…focus on the significant, lift our eyes, and truly see the things that matter most.”
Pres. Uctdorf, Oct. 2010 General Conference

Aviators

2010-11-01T15:59:00.000-07:00

My dear friends :) sorry, I haven't written in quite some time!

I do have some fun things to share with you though.

Last week I went to California with my family. I started to pack Sunday night and found out that I was missing three items that I needed for the trip! I had NO idea where these things were (one of them was my bathing suit)! I was a little stressed about it. All items honestly seemed impossible to find. I had looked and searched and scoured my entire house several times with no luck.
Monday morning came and I knelt down and said, "Heavenly Father, I need your help!" I used, "thy" in the actual prayer, of course. It was crunch time. I kept looking, my sister, Ann, started to help me. I found one item and Ann was actually the one who found the other two and the most random places! Two silly paragraphs about this really doesn't do it justice. It was an awesome experience.

My next little story comes from California and ties in with the one above.
I got onto Thunder mountain, this time riding with my mom. I put my aviators in the little pouch thing and told her to remind me to get them out after the ride. Well, we got out and I left them there. I noticed I didn't have them and immediately returned to the ride. But they were already gone. I checked with the..ride people and they looked and told me to check back. I checked back and they still didn't have them. I thought, someone must have stolen them.
I admit that I spent some time shortly thereafter looking at everyone who was wearing sunglasses to see if I could catch the thief wearing them. I was sad. Those were the aviators I got at EFY with my whole team. I had memories attached to them. I knew the odds of them being found and turned in was probably somewhere around one in a thousand. Now, normally I would pray in this situation, but for some reason I felt like it was too temporal and that it would be insignificant to bother Heavenly Father about them.
Later that night I was praying. The Spirit prompted me to talk a bit about my aviators. I told Heavenly Father that I was really sad that I had lost them and admitted that they had meant a lot tome. He replied by gently chastening me, "Erin, you know me better than that. I know those sunglasses had special meaning to you and anything that has special meaning to you has special meaning to me."
I then asked for him to help them be returned to my possession.
That was on Tuesday.
Wednesday went by.
Thursday went by (which on a side note was my favorite day; we went to the beach that day).
The ride person had told me to check out the lost and found in City Hall. Friday morning I went to the City Hall and asked for the lost and found. They said that they turned everything in to the resort lost and found, located beside California Adventure.
I went there, knowing the odds and talked to the lady at the desk. I gave her a detailed description and then crossed my fingers with my little sister Maggie, who was with me. She brought out three pairs but not one of them was mine. I was sad and began to prepare to come to grips with the fact that I had lost my favorite pair of sunglasses.
"When did you lose them?" the lady at the desk asked.
"Tuesday."
"Oh! Well, then there is another place I can look. I'll be right back."
I waited with trepidation until she came back out. And in her hand were my aviators.
Another silly story about Erin losing something and Heavenly Father returning it to her, you might think. But I was so grateful. The same God who created the universe, who has the power to control the elements and raise people from the dead, zoned in on a 23 year old girl, hundreds of miles from her home and against "the odds" (which are ridiculous to think of them as inhibiting him in any way) returned her lost sunglasses to her.

That is the God that we pray to. That is the God who wants us to really get to know him and what he is really like. Don't be afraid to go to him with anything! He doesn't just care about our rotation around the sun or lost sunglasses. He cares deeply about your troubles and the decisions that are stressing you and the homework that is bogging you down. He cares about everything about you.
Go to him.
He will help you.
I know he will.

Haven't Found It Yet

2010-10-04T16:37:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about happiness lately. And how to find happiness in such a sure place that I could always have it with me. I figured that in order to have it with me always, it would have to be inside of me.

Man, growing up is hard. I heard someone say once that adults have this tendency to replace faith with experience.

I've officially had an experience (dang it) where I have done that. The end of 2007 into 2008 was the hardest time of my life (up to this year). I had some incredibly difficult things going on, decisions I needed to make, changes, improvements, moving forward, moving on. Do you know what I did to get through all of that without coming out insane??

I read the scriptures. I prayed fervently. I continued to go to all my church meetings even though heaven knows there were times I did not want to because of who was there. I went to the temple. I fasted.

I relied on the Lord.

I look back from winter of 2009 until now and can say that I attempted to do that very same thing. But it just wasn't like last time. I think that phrase, right there, "it just wasn't like last time" is the key to this whole thing.

This last eleven months of trials wasn't the same as the nineteen or twenty months of trials I had already gone through. Man, we have to consider the changes in our lives, friends. The principles of the gospel I mentioned above will work in any situation, but my faith was different, my view, my "maturity".

Perhaps you might be going through the same thing right now; "being tossed about by suffering as if by surf" (Neal A. Maxwell, Patience). Perhaps you'll need to try to handle things differently, because you're different? I'm just musing. You see, I haven't found the answers I've been looking for for this newest set of trials I'm going through.

All I can really do right now, is rely on my growing testimony. Yes, it is still growing. Isn't that incredible? A testimony is such a strong thing. It can last through anything, if you let it.

So, all I can do is bear my testimony that although I have struggles, those struggles are at the very core of the purpose of this life. And as long as I abide, line upon line, precept on precept, here a little, there a little, then by and by I will become the person I am meant to become. Someone God can depend on in every situation.

It's not in my character to give up or give in. I've come close, because I'm human but the Lord will only keep you in the fire long enough to defrost you but not to burn you. He'll save you every single time from being tried past your ability to handle.

All we have to do is trust that he will do so. Because he will.

Sparadic

2010-09-14T17:08:00.001-07:00

I just read my little sister, Jenny's, blog. It was about EFY. I don't know how many of you have little siblings, but I have three. Three little sisters that I love dearly. Each is so unique. I try hard to be a good big sister and a good example to them. I don't always make the cut though. I tease them a lot. Sometimes I wish they would just tease me back but they're all kind of sensitive about it. SO, I just try not to tease them as much...but it's a work in progress ;)

Anyhow, about Jenny, she bore her testimony on her blog and it was so tender for me to read. That's my greatest hope for my little sisters, that they love the gospel with all their hearts, like I've tried to do.

It gets you thinking. EFY has given me a very great love and appreciation for the youth of our time, not just those in the LDS faith but others I've rubbed shoulders with as well. I've loved working with them. I count myself very lucky to have had so much experience with them; I really hope I will be able to apply the things I've learned and observed with those kids with my own.

Do you think about your future kids at all?

I do. They have been a great motivation to me. I do a lot of things for them even now and they've helped me make important decisions and life changes. They've helped me become more dedicated to the gospel so that they will more likely do the same.

I had an interesting experience with the CES broadcast this last Sunday. I feel like our culture makes it taboo or cliche to say the phrase, "I look forward to getting married". Why is that? If we are trying so hard to become like our Heavenly Father, why are we so ashamed to admit that we're greatly looking forward to that greatest union that he himself has? I want to get married. I really want to get married. There are still things I need to learn and characteristics I want to develop to be as ready as I can for that step, but I can't wait. Obviously I am waiting, but I am greatly looking forward to it. That's right, friends, I said it. Taboo that.

Satan likes to bring up the hardships that come with marriage and children. He will frequently show all the bad things, the pain, the tears, the worries, the stress. But as Sister Beck put it so well during Regional Conference, "We fought a war to have a difficult experience." Come on, people! Let's not be so pessimistic! Having a family will be awesome. And I know you feel the same way. So, let's talk about it more in the open.

Here are some things I'm looking forward to doing with my family:
Getting to hold my very own little ones.
Getting to be the first teacher to my children.
Getting to play make-believe games with them. And you better believe that I will be right there with them building spaceships and tree houses and forts made out of blankets and couch cushions!
Getting to watch my husband play and interact with our children.
We're going to go on adventures in the outdoors and play on play grounds.
When they have a nightmare it will be me and my husband they crawl between to be comforted.
Getting to sing them lullabies at night.
My husband and I will get to teach our little girls about virtue, talk with them about dating, teach our boys respect for women and worthily holding the priesthood, going on missions, etc.
I get to cry and pray with them and for them.
Receiving handmade paintings that will go on the fridge.
Going on family outings and vacations.
He'll get to help them with their math homework ;)
I'm so looking forward to being able to go to the Lord with my husband in prayer over the struggles we'll face together.

On and on. Glorious-ness forever. Me and my very own eternal family :) I'm so excited :)

It. Will. Be. Awesome.

"There is Power in a Name"

2010-09-09T15:38:00.000-07:00

I've been reading again :) I love reading. I hope to have many, many, many good books in my home. I already have quite a few in my room; makes it so homey and comfortable.
The book I'm reading now is called, Talking With God by Robert L. Millet. Of course, I suggest you read all of it yourself because there are so many good things in it about how to improve your prayers.

I've had really great experiences with prayer, some incredible, sacred experiences and some quiet, soul deep ones and others that bring joy due to simply expressed gratitude. But I'm always on the look out to improve my conversations with Heavenly Father.

One of the chapters in my book talks about praying In the Name of the Son. I'm going to quote two paragraphs (kind of long, but worth it I promise!) from that chapter. Bro. Millet writes,
"There is power in a name, particularly when that name opens doors, unlocks opportunities, and equips us to act and speak with authority. We have been instructed that when we act and speak in the name of our blessed Lord, we are entitled to come boldly unto the throne of grace to receive assistance and entrance in the time of need (Heb. 4:16; Moses 7:59).
"This is not magic or voodoo or some occult practice. It is about the name of Jesus. It is about approaching our beneficent Father in prayer with humble confidence in the blood of the sinless Son of Man because of the unique status he enjoys with the Father (Alma 33:11; 16). It is as though the Savior had said to each of us, "Go to our Father in prayer and, by the way, use my name." The Savior's name carries spiritual clout, real moral authority in the universe.
(This next part is what hit me so hard)
"It is so much more than offering a prayer and quickly closing it in Jesus' name. It is a lesson worthy of sober reflection and meditation, a lesson that ought to stay fresh in our minds and hearts, a lesson that ought to affect how we pray, how intently we concentrate, how sincerely we plead, what words we use, and how devoutly we thank and ask and approach the God of all creation."

MAN! You all should know that I absolutely believe in the power of the name of Christ. Most of you have read my post about my lawn mower; case in point. But how are we doing on our personal prayers morning and night? What about the prayers we say aloud in church, in institute, around friends and family? Are the words we say worthy to be put before the Father in the name of His Son? The one he sacrificed so that we could become like and return to him?? Or are we willy nilly "offering a prayer and quickly closing it in Jesus' name"? The end. His name deserves so much more than the conjumbled, smashed together "inthenameofJesusChristamen" that we so often hear.

"The key to fellowship with the Father and the Son (1 John 1:3) lies not in how many times we speak the name but rather in how reverently and intently we approach the throne of grace."

How we pray and what we pray matters. Let's take our prayers to the next level.

:)

Body Time

2010-09-05T13:31:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about physical bodies and something very interesting that I’ve been catching onto. Lots of you have probably already realized this but when I realized it the first thing I thought was, “Sneaky! That makes total sense that this is happening!”

Let’s be honest here, we have all at one time or another complained, maybe even pretty heavily about our bodies. How this back of mine hurts all the time or my body doesn’t look the way I want it to or this joint doesn’t work like it’s supposed to. On and on and on.

I think of my Gramma (she insists we spell it like we say it, I do know how to spell Grandma) she’s getting old and is having a hard time with it. Her sight is going, she has no energy and she claims she can’t do anything anymore and medications don’t work or they make her sick. She’s miserable.

I’m not saying that getting old is easy, I wouldn’t know because I’m not old.

Here’s how this all started. Last week, in my New Testament class, we talked about a truth that carries incredible power with it when it’s properly understood; the fact that we are literal offspring of our Heavenly Father. We were spiritually born of a Heavenly Father and Mother and raised to maturity in their presence. We also spoke of Jesus Christ and how before he even came to the earth he had matured (due to obedience and other things) to the status of a god. However, he still needed a physical body and then a resurrected body to make it the entire way to becoming like his Father.

The only way for us to get a resurrected body is to first have a body.

SO, of course Satan is pushing a full-fledged campaign to make us believe that bodies are troublesome and not worth having! LIES! I’m not trying to be insensitive. I know we all have health problems, some are indeed very bad. But this life is body time! That’s what I want to say to my Gramma, with tenderness of course because it is not easy to have failing health and a failing body. But I, for one, do not want to return to the presence of God only to have the deep regret of not showing greater appreciation and gratitude for the body that is my vehicle to eternal life; life with God.

I'm glad I have a body. And through pain, sickness, afflictions of this body, this mind or these emotions that come with this body, I’ve decided I want to have more gratitude and less groaning and not complain about things as much as I have in the past. I think that's a small worthwhile step that everyone can take to be happier in this life.

Love to you.

A Better View

2010-08-20T22:53:00.000-07:00

I've been praying for a higher perspective for some time now. You know how the apostle Paul said that, "For now we see through a glass, darkly"?1 Well, life for the past several months has been like that, only I'm fairly certain I was looking through two panes of dark glass, not just one ;)

I haven't been myself.

But then :) today came.

And with it revelation. Revelation that I have needed and prayed for for about four months. I'm so grateful it finally came! I feel so much better and more equipped to handle the things I have to handle with more Erin-like finesse.

I know that you have challenges like I do. Act and keep praying. That's how it works. That's how to better use your agency. We're becoming lazy, our generation, when it comes to exercising our agency. We're so used to getting what we ask for. Act and then ask. What actions did I take while I continued to pray? I kept doing the things I knew I should do. I remained faithful. I searched for answers in the scriptures and conference talks and CES broadcasts, I counseled with trusted friends and family priesthood leaders, I sought guidance through my patriarchal blessing and priesthood blessings, I listened for answers in Sacrament Meeting and Sunday School and Relief Society. I kept going, kept living every day to the best of my abilities. And I prayed through the entire experience.

Was every day easy? No. Past posts can attest to that. In fact, I remember more hard days than easy ones.

But remember that quote by C.S. Lewis that talks about temptation? "Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is. After all, you find out the strength of the German army by fighting against it, not by giving in. You find out the strength of a wind by trying to walk against it, not by lying down. A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later."

Liken that to you in this way, you find out just how strong you are by continuing forward not by giving up. And you show no strength or fortitude by giving up on getting answers to your prayers. You can do it! You can keep going. Keep searching for your answers. Don't give up on Heavenly Father just because it doesn't come right away. Or because it's taking work on your part. Of course it will take work! You wouldn't appreciate answers given if you didn't work for them and you know it. Go ahead, argue. "I would too appreciate it!" Sure, maybe once or twice but not for long.

"Pray always, that you may come off conqueror; yea, that you may conquer Satan, and that you may escape the hands of the servants of Satan..."2

My friends, my trials are not over. I echo what King Limhi said to his people, "I trust there remaineth an effectual struggle to be made."3 Yet, today because of prayer I finally can say again with a surety that I will come off conqueror once again against Satan's latest attempts to inhibit me.

But I will not be inhibited. I will be a stalwart; firm, steadfast and uncompromising in my convictions.

And you can declare that very thing yourself. Go ahead, say it to yourself.

Now believe it.

Keep going. Keep praying.

xoxo,
Erin

1. 1 Cor. 13:12

2. D&C 10:5

3. Mosiah 7:19

Coincidence? I Think Not.

2010-08-14T14:17:00.000-07:00

Sunday afternoon, 90 counselors and I rode up to Twin Falls, Idaho to do the very last week of EFY this summer.

After arriving we had our usual fireside with our session directors, Bro and Sis Hess, hailing from Orem, Utah.

I will give you one guess on what that fireside was on.

Perfection.

PERFECTION!

Bro Hess gave us all of these wonderful quotes from prophets and apostles one of which had come to my mind the previous week, I'll have to paraphrase it because I think I left all those quotes in Idaho...I almost cried when I found out. The quote goes something like this, "Chances are if you are seeing more of your weaknesses you are coming nearer to God and not farther away." That was horrible paraphrasing, but it will do for now.

I can't believe it. I mean, I can! Of course! I came to understand Heavenly Father so much more after last week. I'm catching onto a pattern in my life. I have gone through some pretty hard personal things in my life but always after those really hard times, I've received the biggest love note from Heavenly Father.

It's like He is saying, "I know that was really hard and I just wanted to make sure that you knew that I love you." Because let's be honest, friends, we can get through anything as long as we know Heavenly Father loves us. His love is a powerful that can literally get you through any heartache, personal crisis, anguish, hardship, challenge, change, anything! I do have a testimony of that. How do you think I can still be smiling? My life hasn't been horrible but I know of at least two or three big instances where I could have been crushed under the weight of certain trials and lots and lots of littler instances where God's love has brought me through in miraculous condition.

I'll try to get those quotes up for you. EVERYONE should read and heed them.

Later :) xoxo

Mirror of Truth

2010-08-07T20:17:00.001-07:00

I read a book once (that was boarding on plagiarism of Lord of the Rings) once. At the very end of the book, the young man, after a long and arduous journey comes to the pinnacle of his adventure. He alone was the one who could accomplish the mysterious task of which he had both been chosen and prepared for along the way.

It was grasping and possessing a sword that showed him for what he really was.
A few passages read,
"In the vortex of emotion and basic self that comprised the centermost region of his being, the bearer of the Sword...came face to face with himself...Thrust suddenly before his eyes, the world that was his birthplace and life source, from past to present, lay open and revealed to him, stripped bare of his carefully nurtured illusions, and he saw the reality of existence in all its starkness. No soft dreams colored its view of life, no wishful fantasies clothes the harshness of its self-shaped choices, no self-conceived visions of hope softened the rawness of its judgments. Amid its sprawling vastness, he saw himself displayed for the pitiful, insignificant spark of momentary life that he represented.
"...The images cleared with frightening sharpness, and abruptly he saw another side to himself, a side he had never been able to recognize--or perhaps had simply refused to accept...Here was an accounting of every hurt he had caused to others, every petty jealousy he had felt, his deep-seated prejudices, his deliberate half truths, his self-pity, his fears--all that was dark and hidden within himself.
"...He could not accept it. He could never accept it!
"Yet drawing from some inner well of strength and understanding, his mind opened receptively to the images, expanding outward to embrace them, persuading him, or perhaps forcing him, to admit the reality of what he had been shown...This was only a part of the real [him]--but it was indeed a part, however difficult he found it to accept.
"But he had to accept it. It was the truth."1

I had an experience on Monday where Heavenly Father placed in front of my face a Mirror of Truth. It was not easy. I don't know how many of you have had the opportunity (for it is indeed an opportunity) to look at yourself in a Mirror of Truth; it is a deep shock. You are "stripped bare of [your] carefully nurtured illusions" of yourself and "[persuaded]...to admit the reality".

Yes, I believe we all have illusions of ourselves. Mine dealt with personal expectations of perfection and my ability to handle anything perfectly. Two other instances have been suddenly brought to my mind, two priesthood blessings in which I learned a bit about perfection. It seems that my life events have been gearing towards this for some time now. My own pinnacle for where I am at in my life right now.

Side note, I also believe that Heavenly Father allows us certain periods of time for "self-help", of course He is still there leading and guiding, but He really wants us to learn how to develop ourselves through choices that we make. And if we try and try and cannot help ourselves then He steps in.

"Get to the point, Erin."

The point is this, I couldn't help myself this summer. And I had my first BIG FAIL in something I hold very, very dear to me. A failed in a certain relationship I had with someone. It was just a normal relationship at work, which could have bloomed and become fruitful had I not made many consistently poor decisions.

I do not wish to lay myself bare before you, though. Because, frankly, that part of me doesn't concern you. But I do wish to admonish you.

There is a reason that Heavenly Father gives us weaknesses and asks us to come to Him so that He can show them to us. The one part of the passages that I showed to you that was unsound was the fact that that boy had to deal with being shown part of his true self in all its ugliness entirely alone. I don't think for an instant that Heavenly Father put that mirror in front of my face without having His arm around me saying something like this, "I give unto men weakness that they might be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."2

We should never be afraid of coming to God with our weaknesses, for it is through him that they are made strong. Yes, I know you've heard these words before. But do you really know how it feels to have a weakness become a strength? I did, but on a much lesser level than I understand it now. I am now on constant vigil to make sure that I do not repeat what I have done.

It is like the last chapters of the book of Alma where Moroni is fortifying all of the weakest points of his nation against the attacks of the Lamanites. One city was even fortified to to the point that it "become an exceeding stronghold."3

My advise to you is to allow Heavenly Father to say to you as I now realize He said in my case, "Erin, you need to fortify this part of you. And the only way to do that is to realize and accept that it is a weak spot and that it could lead to you being overthrown someday if you chose not to fortify it now."

And my dear friends, know that you are good people and that is why you have the opportunity to embrace who you really are, even if part (only part) of you is ugly at one point or another. Do not be discouraged when you see those things about yourself because God has the power to make every part of you beautiful; and if you come to Him, He will do it.

You are in good hands. The best hands. And those parts of you that you may have carefully nurtured illusions about are safe in the Hands of the Almighty; trust your weaknesses to Him. Realize that you do have significant weaknesses that only He can help make exceedingly strong. And it is my testimony that He will do so.

1. The Sword of Shannara, Terry Brooks

2. Ether 12:27

3. Alma 55:33

Wanting Something New

2010-07-31T09:28:00.000-07:00

I've made a decision to change this blog a little bit; just to include more of my everyday life and my everyday thoughts.

Who Was I Eleven Years Ago? Allow Me to Illuminate.

2010-07-21T17:15:00.000-07:00

So, here I am, perhaps about to move away from home again and I get all my boxes down from the loft in search of kitchen ware and I see a very large, light blue bin that I know is full of meaningful junk. I was notorious for being a pack rat when I was younger. I would keep just about anything. Literally.

I bring down this box and after looking through it a bit, my sister and I decide to take it downstairs (the both of us, since it's quite heavy) and open it up. One of the first things we found was a very used CD of an old Irish girl's band that I loved in Jr. High, named B-witched. Well, we thought we'd like some old tunes as we reminisced about the "good old days" and stuck it into the DVD player, hoping that the poor thing still worked. It did. Familiar songs started to play, memories flooded back, most pretty embarrassing, honestly.

It's remarkable, I haven't heard those songs in years and yet, there I was singing along with most of the words. My little sisters and I were always making up dances and Ann recalled plenty of hilarious choreography to laugh about. Another thing I found was a journal I had bought in 6th grade that was a periwinkle blue with a cute little picture of a puppy and a kitty being...cute together. I opened it up and saw that I had only written on about four pages. Typical. Pages which are only a 4x5 inch area. Not to mention the chicken scratch I had to interpret to get the laugh I was looking forward to. I was absolutely ridiculous in 6th grade.

I know you're wondering what those four pages said and so I'm going to copy some direct quotes from it. The lines in italics are my 23 yr old thoughts.

"5-12-99

I would like to start off by intraducing myself. I'm Erin Haskell and my family is Kathleen (O'Sullivan (maiden name) Haskell, Brian is my dad, Danny is my eldest brother he's 17 Aric is the 2nd oldest he's 14 and has a fiery temper, I'm next and I'm twelve next is Ann she's 9 next mounths her b-day Jenny is 4 she started talking full sentences at 2! and last is Margurite or Maggie she's 2. Now about me, okay I'll start with the church I have been trying to find out if the LDS church is true. but I have to go to sleep now so I'll tell you more in the morning.

Good night." (Whoop! I was obviously very tired)

By the way, I take no responsibility for my very poor grammar, including the lack of periods and commas...and spelling things wrong including my youngest sister's name...

"5-23-99

Hi sorry I skiped those days, but alot has been going on. Okay the 21st was my selabrate the centrey program, I was Hidie in home inprovment, and "C" in skechers shoes. Now more about the church I'm trying to gain a srong good testimony about the church. Now I'll tell you more about me (PAahahahahahah! Man, me, me, me!). I'll start with hobbies well reading, art, dancing and cross stiching. Now about my perssonal life (ah yes, because the personal life of a twelve year old is so important) in school their are plenty of cute boys but the one I like best is Brandon Banks (Whom I happen to have run into last year! He was in one of my institute classes and I saw him and thought he was so familiar but couldn't even begin to think of why! Then I saw his name tag! It was slightly embarrassing to have remembered my sixth grade crush all those years later and recognized him all grown up...), he is so cute not to mention very funny he's black, and makes every one laugh. (Now here is the kicker!) One of the most depressing thing in my life right now is my mom won't--->(next page) let me grow up she won't even let me get a bra! Now thats devestating. If you want you can look in the back and see my wishes and dreams.
Night.
EH"

Do you want to know what my wishes and dreams were as a twelve year old?
Wishes are as follows: "1. My own room 2. A telephone 3. lots of money 4. lost of pillows on my bed Dreams: 1. to own the Mall 2. to be popular 3. to get married in the temple 4. to get a boy freind ahh."

So, how have I changed in over ten years? Well, I'm quite a bit taller. I don't usually change topics every sentence. I'm probably still that into myself, I just know how to hide it ;) I wear a bra, for sure. I still dream of getting married in the temple and getting a boyfriend, quite honestly I wouldn't mind at all to own the Mall. Popular...well, who even knows what that is anymore?

Dear me. The life of a twelve year old.

Xoxo

Remember that One Time?

2010-07-17T13:35:00.000-07:00

Prayer is powerful and so is your own personal desires. No matter what anyone says, if you wish something to be different and it is a righteous desire and you put forth the effort to make it so, you can trust that Heavenly Father will grant those desires in His timetable. I included ten scriptures about this very doctrine. Ask and ye shall receive. How many blessings are we missing because we aren't asking for them? How many opportunities are we missing because we don't ask for them?

Matthew 21:22

Doctrine and Covenants 6:8

Doctrine and Covenants 11:14, 17

Mormon 9:21

Doctrine and Covenants 8:10

Doctrine and Covenants 50:29

Luke 11:9

Matthew 7:7

3 Nephi 14:7

Doctrine and Covenants 88:63-64

Remember that it takes work, too; not just asking (Doctrine and Covenants 9:7).

I proved this, this last week. It was incredible.

xoxo

The Joys and the Woes of Leadership

2010-07-10T09:42:00.000-07:00

For those of you who know me well, I have to say things out loud in order for them to make sense to me. It may be to a person or in my journal or on this blog, but I feel best when everything is out there. For some reason it's easier for my mind to organize things that way.

I often feel that I confess a lot on this here blog; not that that's bothersome for me, because I believe in whole-hearted openness and I'm comfortable enough to say the things I say, how I say them.
I apologize if you're bothered by this.
Here is one confessions. It isn't bad, just eye opening for me.

So, obviously I've been working at EFY all summer. Awesome. Our team is magnificent, "A well oiled machine", one of our Session Directors said. We have a very interesting dynamic. Everyone on our team is very different, yet, for the most part, we all get along swimmingly.

I know for a fact that we all have days or weeks where we label that day or week "Fail" in some aspects. My confession: I'd like to do that for last week. Just for me personally.

However, there were Joys along with the Woes.

Joy: The session went amazing. The activities always turned out right. We didn't have a lot of counselor issues to deal with or many participant issues, either.

Joy: I have a new goal to strive for as a teacher. Not having doctrine to back up what I say, but sharing what I say to back up doctrine (not that it needs me to back it up to be true...you understand.)

Woe: I drove home today feeling completely lacking and hopelessly flawed. And I have no time on the weekends to see or talk to my dearest friends, causing all these pent up feelings with no release making me feel, on top of everything else, trapped and stifled.

"Wow, Erin, you are so dramatic."

I won't tell you about all the other negative emotions I've been feeling pelted with. It's not good to dwell on those things. And I know that Satan is just trying to hold me back.

Joy: Some of my counselor's telling me that I was just what they needed this last week.

Joy and Woe: Doing my best, staying dedicated to my job and feeling like I sometimes get cheated out of other things by doing that.

Joy: Seeing the look on the youth's faces when they think I don't know their names and then call them by them, especially when we haven't officially "met" yet.

Woe: Sometimes feeling estranged from people.

Joy: Getting to use all of my talents in this job and putting them to good use!

Joy: Frequently swallowing my pride for the greater good.

Woe: Hearing of a situation and knowing that there is nothing I can do about it to make it better.

Joy and Woe: Seeing many, many things that need improvement on my part.

Woe: Being physically alone in some things.

Joy: Knowing that no matter what, the only thing that matters in the end is Heavenly Father's approval.

A hard Joy: Feeling like some situations strip you down to the bone to see what you are really made of.

Woe: Feeling like the other people on my team don't struggle as much as I do.

Joy: Writing my team love notes.

Joy: Rubbing shoulders with young girls who have a testimony of true modesty.

Joy: Hearing my counselors teach, because they are so good!

Woe: Feeling so tired sometimes that to simply continue moving is an achievement.

Joy: Having counselors that truly care about their youth and how they interact with them.

Joy: Knowing that I may not have impacted one hundred girls, but I may have impacted one.

Joy: My continued determination to never, ever give up.

Just remember, the joys we experience in life are absolute, while the woes are merely temporary.

xoxo

A Reservoir for You. Whoever You Are.

2010-07-03T09:56:00.001-07:00

I sincerely hope that I am different after this summer. Well, maybe not different, per say, just better. Improved. Progressed.

Being a Building Counselor is easy; stressful at times and exhausting but relatively easy and enjoyable. Other things are hard though. Life is hard. The outside forces that are always there can be hard at times.

This was a hard week for me. The hardest of the summer. EFY was fine and dandy for the most part. The week sailed smoothly by with the only waves to speak of being room scheduling problems with BYU.

...
I have ideas, you know? I ponder relationships often and I get these ideas. I mentioned to one of my friends on Sunday that I feel like each of us, who are still single, have a reservoir of, let's call them gifts. Everyone's reservoir is different but most have similarities in them as well. All of these gifts are ultimately to be shared with a future spouse.

Among other things, my reservoir is full of a special kind of communication.

Now, a quick side note:
"Finding Neverland" is one of my favorite movies. In this movie the author of "Peter Pan", J.M. Barrie, witnesses the growing up of one of the boys in the movie, "Magnificent. The boy is gone. In the last 30 seconds...you become a grown-up."

I think I've experienced several of these moments in my life; not just one. I think I've recently experienced another growing-up moment in the last one or two months. I can't be sure when exactly it happened. All I know is that I was one way in April and now I am different.

I'm not casually dating anymore. I'm not accepting dates from everyone. If I can't see myself with them in the future then we can become friends on an appropriate level. It feels harsh stating that. But I will not retract my words :)

Referring back to my reservoir of gifts, that is why it is my decision to save those gifts for my very own husband. I'm not just talking about chastity. I'm talking especially about that special form of communication I feel is so important. Communion. Soul sharing; that type of communion should only exist in a marriage and between an individual and Heavenly Father. I feel so strongly about that. I'm not exactly sure why! But I can feel it. And I trust that that feeling will lead me to the alter completely worthy and completely available and completely ready to give my entire reservoir to just one man. And he can trust that from this moment on, he will be the only one who receives those things from me.

:) It will be hard. I have had two guys in the past two years whom I have had that communion with. One more than another. I'm used to having that now. Dependant on it, actually. And now that I've sort of had this "growing-up" moment, I've suddenly become uncomfortable! Talk about a sudden change in direction! At the time I didn't know what to do. I felt like my only choice was to try to bring that relationship to a level that isn't as deep and the only way I could think of doing that at this time was to close a channel out of my reservoir until the amount of water going out that channel isn't as much.

Cutting off that communion is extremely painful and is the main reason this week was so hard for me personally. It's upsetting. It's a drastic change. It's heart wrenching. But, I still want to do it and see if the feelings I'm getting that when I do get married, it will be that much sweeter and rewarding than if I were to let out a bunch of water for others who I'm not planning on marrying.

I'm still me. I'm still open and willing to share personal things with others. Just not at the level I have in the past with men.

Is that interesting to you?

It was to me.

I'm so glad that I get to change, and grow and experience things! Life is so beautiful, so full of potential and opportunities. I'm glad that I have the gospel to hold on to with Christ as my constant.

One

2010-06-13T16:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I struggle.

My strength, I feel, is on a "one on one" basis. Don't get me wrong, I do very well with large groups, but I so much prefer cozy chats with just one other person. I can cater to big groups or even small groups but give me just one person and I am very happy. Some people may frown upon this, but I honestly can't say that I care too much about that.

I'm really working on honing my teaching even more. I did an experiment this last week during Especially for Youth. I randomly opened a book called Teaching by the Spirit, by Gene R. Cook and started to read it. He recited a story about how he learned the valuable lesson of teaching by the Spirit when he was first off his mission and got a bit of chew-out by an elderly gentleman who said in effect that his talk was so organized and planned out that the Lord couldn't have squeezed anything in even if He had wanted to! After some feelings of defensiveness and anger and some resentment it turns out he was asked to speak again the next week. He took a step of faith, did nothing of the usual preparation and instead just read his scriptures and prayed like his life depended upon it.

I took this challenge last week and also challenged my counselors that I was over to do the same thing. To not have their devotionals so structured that the Lord couldn't say something that needed to be said. The result was astounding for them and for me.

Granted I'm not a whiz at it yet, but I have all summer to practice it and I fully intend to make the most of those opportunities.

It's so important to get to know individuals when trying to teach by the Spirit. Two weeks ago I got to know a lot of the EFY participants names, thus leading to the experience I already wrote about in "Did I Just Say That?" I have no idea if that comment I made to her affected anyone else, but I know that it affected her.

I think that sometimes when we are in teaching positions that we are afraid to go in a direction that may only help one person. But that's how the Savior so often taught. For the one. Yes, He could and did speak to very large groups of people but the most tender experiences are when He stopped along His previous path to help just one person, touch one person, heal one person.

I admit that I get frustrated at EFY with some people because they give off the impression that they are there to stand before the masses. Whether it be an entire sessions of hundreds of people, or a company of tens or a group of six or eight. They are there for the group.
I'm not entirely bashing on those individuals, because it is hard to give each kid the undivided attention that they may need. But...can't we just try a little harder to realize the profound importance of just one soul.

I think we can. We must.

I give credit where credit is due and am thankful for those counselors and BC's who already do this. I know them and I love them for what they do.

So, though those people may not see this post, I still wish to say a heartfelt thank you for choosing to teach how the Savior most often taught.

xoxo

8 Square Yards Left

2010-06-05T18:11:00.000-07:00

I got home this morning from my 2nd week of EFY as a Building Counselor. Very stressful, very rewarding. Last year, when I was a counselor, I came home on the weekends and slept most of the day Saturday. This year I didn't really want to do that. So, when I got home this morning I quickly busied myself with "chores" so that I wouldn't pay attention to how tired I really was. I unpacked and started a load of laundry and decided to mow the lawn for my dad who is out of town right now with the rest of my family.

Our lawn mower must be getting old because the last two times I've mowed the lawn it's done something totally obnoxious; like die or not even start in the first place. I was bound and determined that that not happen this time and so I included in my morning prayer a special request that the lawn mower would work to perfection so that I could do this act of service for my dad without incident.

I began to mow, first making sure there was gas in it. I also recalled how the last time I had mowed, it had gotten clogged and since the grass in the back looked like a jungle from being left uncut for so long, I took the necessary precautions and emptied the bag frequently. I finished the entire back lawn with only a hint of rebellion from my lawn mower.

Then I moved to the front. I mowed and emptied the bag, mowed and emptied the bag. Pretty soon I was down to about eight square yards of grass to be cut. I emptied the bag, came back, put the bag back on and pulled the engine chord.

Nothing.

I pulled it again.
Nothing.
I pulled it again, lifting the front away from the ground.
Nothing.
I pulled again and again (by this time my arm started to hurt) and again and once more for good measure.
Nada.

"Fine," I said, speaking aloud to the lawnmower, "What do you need? Do you need more gas?" I looked into the tank and saw that it needed more gas. "Man, you are one heck of a gas guzzler!" I strenuously pushed the mower across the front lawn, through the back gate and all the way across my backyard to get to the gas can. "Here you go," I said, still talking aloud. "I'll give you some more gas, not too much because we don't want to drown you. There we go. And I'll give the little button a couple pushes, not too many. Uh huh. And a few squeezes on your handle and here we go!"
Yanked on the chord AND! ...nothing.
"Come on, sweetheart, we're almost done! There's only five or six yards left in the front yard...okay maybe, seven. Okay, eight. There are only eight square yards left! Come on!"
-YANK- ...
-YANK- ...
-YANK,YANK- . . .
...

I prayed. "Heavenly Father, there are only eight square yards left! Make this thing work for me!"
Yank.
Yank.
Yank. Ouch, my shoulder hurts.
I stood back and thought a moment.
-BING-
Oh. Oh! I didn't ask the name of Jesus Christ! Of course!
I repeated my prayer, asking in the name of Jesus Christ.
"HA! Now, you have to start."

YANK. BRuuuUUUUMMM.

It started.

Not a coincidence.

I smiled and leaned on my noisy lawn mower as the Spirit filled the inside of me with as much sunshine as was shining down on the outside of me. The lawn mower and I went back into the front yard and cut those last eight square yards like nothing had happened.

"Behold, I say unto you that whoso believeth in Christ, doubting nothing, whatesoever he shall ask the Father in the name of Christ it shall be granted him; and this promise is unto all..."

Whoso believeth in Christ, doubting nothing, whatsoever he shall ask the Father in the name of Christ, even if it's making a moody lawn mower work, it shall be granted him.

And this promise is unto all.

:)

Did I Just Say That?

2010-06-05T17:44:00.000-07:00

Imagine with me. It's Wednesday night and you are with a bunch of kids eating pizza. You don't know them very well. In fact some you don't know at all. They showed up on Monday for whatever reason while your reason was to help them feel the Spirit and to gain a stronger testimony.

I was with one of my counselor's and her girls this last Wednesday night, there to get to know the girls and observe her teach her nightly devotional. The lesson was on the Commandments. A rather boring topic in the eyes of teens; "Same 'ol, same 'ol." The discussion progresses and all of the sudden one of the girls brings up what she referred to as "not real commandments", like not dating until you are 16. She didn't understand what the big deal was and why it was so heavily emphasized when prophets had only encouraged and suggested not dating until 16 years old. She was prepared to stick her point of view out.

I looked right at her and said, "Let me put it this way: If Heavenly Father came down to you and said, 'Bethany*, I strongly encourage you to not date until you are 16.' Would you do what He suggests?" Her answer was a resounding, "Of course!" Then I said, "Whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the same" (D&C 1:38). A very special realization came over her face as she quoted the last part of that scripture with me.

Afterward, the devotional continued. But I was not the same, nor was the girl. That answer, though I certainly believe in it, was not from me. Like many of you have experienced as well, when speaking by the Spirit, things flow and make perfect sense. It is concise, to the point and simply stated.

It has been a while since I've had the opportunity to have that particular experience with the Holy Ghost. It made me so grateful to have had prepared as I have for Especially For Youth this summer.

*name has been changed

Tidbit

2010-05-29T16:28:00.000-07:00

So! First week of EFY has come to a successful end! Man, what an awesome week! I simply adore being a Building Counselor. This was our entire teams first time doing this in the positions we are in and I'm sure they would agree that the lending hand of the Lord was with us consistently throughout our days. I have to tell you about Musical Program but I'm going to do that a little later, in it's very own post.

After a week of EFY you are bound to be tired. I was today. Especially after another 8 hour mandatory training that was today. I will admit, I was getting grumpy! I even excused myself to go and say a special prayer in order to make it until 4 o'clock. I made it. However, on the way home, once I was away from all my responsibilities I become a bit grumpy again. I finally got home and pull into my drive way, turn off my car, gather my things and step out and immediately my sandal breaks. I have already repaired it's mate and the one that broke once already. I looked down at my shoe, pondering my mood and how I could react to this and this is what I ended up doing:

I looked up into the sky and said, "Heavenly Father, thank you for making my sandal last until just now. It would have been super inconvenient for it to have broken during the week."

Can I just tell you that those moments give me the ultimate good feeling? I love it when I am able to show that I can be as good of a person as I'd like to be :)

Um...Harder Then I Thought!

2010-05-17T19:42:00.001-07:00

Art is so interesting. Being an Artist is so interesting. And some of the things associated with being an artist are interesting; the moodiness, the strange clothing, the certain type of speech, etc. All these things actually played into my decision to become an Art Major. For my whole life I’ve done art and stayed away from the “art students”.

I would be interested to know if any of you who read this would categorize me as an “art student”. The parentheses are there for a reason, of course. And this is that reason: In my book, “art students” are the epitome of moody. They dress funny. In fact, they dress sloppy and rather ugly (please note that I am generalizing).

I never wanted to be associated with moodiness (I know that I’m not a sloppy dresser). However, today, I found myself in a bit of art provoked irritability.

My plan (that is slowly changing) is to work on my BFA portfolio over the summer so I can apply for program in the fall. So, today I started working on a painting. I had done some sketches previously and so I started on it right away. I working on it for a few hours and it just was not working for me!

Can I just tell you that I’ve experienced having an image come into my head and being able to crack out an entirely finished painting in about four hours? Yeah, coming up with my own images and executing them is much harder!!! After changing the painting about three times I finally had to just walk away.

This is going to be a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I knew it would be work but I honestly wasn’t expecting it to be really hard. Art comes so naturally to me that I’m still surprised during the process and with the finished product whatever it may be; it’s miraculous. But good grief, whatever the heck was going on today with that painting was anything but miraculous! It looks awful.

…granted it’s only the very, very beginning. BUT I can tell when something I do is awful and it was definitely heading for awful. Just trust me.

It bothers me that I have to look at it now. You know what? I’m just going to paint over it. Done and done. I'll try again tomorrow :)

Man, Those 2000 Young Men are Cool

2010-05-13T11:43:00.000-07:00

I wrote this speaking to my EFY team, but I think that the messages and principles are applicable to all of you, too, because we'll all be involved with the youth of the church one day, whether through seminary teaching, church callings, parenting or any other number of things.

I was studying my scriptures today and I’m focusing on the 2000 stripling warriors and their story is so cool and I just wanted to share it on here, since we’ll also have the privilege of working with courageous youth this summer.

We all know their story, it starts in Alma 53. The Ammonites “were moved with compassion and were desirous to take up arms in defense of their country” because “they saw the danger, and the many afflictions and tribulations which the Nephites bore for them” (vs 13).

Helaman, who was the son of Alma the younger, convinced them otherwise in order to keep them from breaking the covenant they had made with God when they buried their weapons.

This is where their sons come in. They took action by themselves to make a covenant (which they of all people knew about from their parents and grandparents, some of whom had probably been killed in Alma 24 when they first made that covenant) to fight for their country. They were the ones that came together, called themselves Nephites, entered into a covenant to fight unto the laying down of their own lives, and asked Helaman (who is a prophet) to be their leader. On top of the strong motivation they demonstrated, they were also valiant for courage, strength and activity, true at all times, men of truth and soberness and walked with God. (vs 20-21).

Just a quick principle that I love in vs 19; it states that although these boys had never been a disadvantage to the Nephites, “they became now at this period of time also a great support”. The youth that we will be working with this year have been reserved for this time. I’m not trying to be corny or anything but EFY is an excellent place for these youth to “become now at this period of time”, whatever it is that Heavenly Father calls them to do, wherever they live, whoever their friends are, whatever circumstances they live in. They can do it and we can help them see that as we work closely with our counselors.

Okay, so their story continues in Alma 56 when they go to the aide of Antipus’ army. Look at the effect these young men had on seasoned soldiers! Soldiers who “were depressed in body as well as in spirit,” who had been fighting day and night to maintain their cities and “had suffered great afflictions of every kind”; these soldiers had determined at that time to conquer or die (16-17).

Helaman states, “This little force which I brought with me…gave them great hopes and much joy.” (vs17) and because of the strength that that little force gave to the army of Antipus, the Lamanite army they were battling didn’t come to fight them at that time.

Let’s think about this Lamanite army for a sec. This is not just a powerful army but the most powerful Lamanite army in the land (vs 36). They won’t even come out to fight Antipus because they’re so strong they can just sit and protect the cities they have taken. However, Antipus is receiving more strength and provisions to his army, which is making this Lamanite army uneasy and they go out and try to stop Antipus from getting more provisions (much of which was provided by the fathers of the 2000 stripling warriors! vs 27).

Helaman and Antipus come up with a strategy to lead out the army of the Lamanites and it works. Helaman says, “And thus we did lead away the most powerful army of the Lamanites” (vs 36).

They are chased by this army for two days straight and then on the third day they chase them farther but then stop suddenly. Now this is where these young men show their true colors. They didn’t know if Antipus had finally overtaken their army or if it was a trap, but Helaman asks them, “What say ye, my sons, will ye go against them to battle?”

After reading their story up to this point, this next part is so tender; Helaman writes to Moroni, “Never had I seen so great courage, nay, not amongst all the Nephites.” I can just imagine Helaman thinking about how those young men answered him.

“Father, behold our God is with us, and he will not suffer that we should fall; then let us go forth; we would not slay our brethren if they would let us alone; there let us go, lest they should overpower the army of Antipus.”

Helaman then points out that these boys had never fought but they didn’t fear dying. They thought more about the liberty of their fathers than their own lives. These next verses are famous ones, the ones about their mothers teaching them “that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them.” And they didn’t doubt, “We do not doubt our mothers knew it” (47-48).

I couldn’t help but think of those women. I heard about them last Sunday on Mother’s Day. But not like I thought about them today. These women were the wives or daughters or sisters or granddaughters of the men and women who were killed in Alma 24; that time period was only thirteen years earlier. What a testimony to have in the deliverance from God (ironically) when they had witnessed that or had that legacy in their families. I can’t think of a more solid faith than that of these particular women in teaching their children that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them.

These youth go on to defeat the most powerful Lamanite army without one of them dying. Sixty more young men join them, they continue fighting valiantly, change the face of the war, live through their battles and influence the lives of hundreds of men, all because of “their exceeding faith in that which they had been taught to believe.”

So, how do we help the youth that come to us this summer leave EFY as stripling warriors? Teach our counselors to teach them to believe. That’s what we’re doing this summer.

A Man Which Was Blind from His Birth

2010-04-25T14:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I was helping out training counselors for EFY this summer. During one of the training sessions I learned something really neat from another Building Counselor.

He was talking about goals but I’m taking the insight that he gave and applying it in a different way.

In John chapter 9, there is a story of a really great man. We do not know his name; but his demonstration of faith is incredible and something we can all learn from.

I actually want you to go and read chapter 9. I’m just planning on talking about it like you’ve already done that (but if you haven’t, go and read it first!).

Okay, so here we read the story of a man who was born blind and everyone who knew him knew he was blind. Christ came, gave him the start to be changed, guided him in what he needed to then do to change and then came back to him after this man was harassed and disbelieved to reveal himself unto him as the Son of God.

Wahoo! What an awesomely applicable story for life! What an awesome story for not only being able to be drastically, miraculously changed through Jesus Christ but that we should always allow others to make those changes as well.

I have worked with the youth of the church for three years now and I have noticed the very thing that is mentioned in John 9:8-34. The Jews could not believe that this man who they had known to be a certain way his whole life was suddenly no longer that way. Verses 8 through 34 are about this man being disbelieved, harassed, reviled and finally cast out! His own parents brush off the responsibility of supporting him.

Haven’t we all seen that in our own lives to some degree? Whether we are the one who was changed and reviled for it or the ones doing the reviling of the changed?

God see’s our potential. He see’s our blindness’s and knows that he can manifest His works through those imperfections. He can, wants to and will (if we let him) give us our sight. And he can make it happen suddenly.

But how often does he do that for us and then we shirk it off or try to make the change seem less sudden? For example, the healed blind man from John 9, after he is healed, does not go around nondescriptly saying “Hey, I think I’m starting to see just a little bit!”

No, he boldly declares four times that he was blind and that now he could see (vs 11, 15, 25, 30).

So, what are a few lessons I’ve personally learned from this plus some questions I want you to think about?

First- faithfully living the gospel requires personal change.

What personal changes has Christ made in you?
Second- God sees what we can become.
Do you have a testimony of this?

Third- God will not only sees what changes we need to make, but he’ll help us start to change them, guide us the direction of what we need to do to make that change and then later, even if we are reviled for the change that has happened to us, he will come and personally reveal himself further unto us as the Son of God.

What has God helped you to start changing? What steps along the “path to the pool of Siloam” has he asked you to take? Remember that even after being healed or changed, adversity will still come. How has God further revealed himself unto you after you have changed?

Fourth- The role of some the Jews was an inability to accept this man’s change.

Never be the peer that says, “I’ve known you your whole life” or “I know you well enough to know that you can’t be like that because you weren’t like that before.”

I don't know about you wonderful people, but I plan on being a lot more embracive of the changes that are being made in those around me. Not saying that I wasn't before, but I want to be more aware of it and more encouraging and accepting. And like the healed blind man, rejoice in the changes that are or will be made in me and say, "Lord, I believe." (vs. 38)

Essence of Erin

2010-04-22T20:36:00.000-07:00

My best friend and I were talking the other day about how someone called me confusing. We came to the conclusion that I was definitely not confusing, 95% of what I do is for a reason. We came up with “complicated” instead but that has such a negative connotation to it. Finally we came up with the perfect word; intricate. I am not confusing nor complicated, just intricate.

Some may think this unfair so to try to be fair I’ll give you a hand in understanding me a bit better.

There are a lot of things that define me, my nature and what I stand for. Here are just a few random tidbits that make up some of my essence.

-I am very challengeable. One of the best ways to get me to do something is to challenge me. Usually by saying things like, “this is impossible” or “you can’t do this”, things like that. Yet, however well this tactic may work, another part of my essence is my stubbornness. I’m not pig headed by any stretch but if I’m aware that someone is knowingly challenging me, chances are for that reason alone, I won’t do it.

-As most of you know the weather greatly influences my mood. So, if it’s a bit overcast, I might be a bit overcast. If it’s sunny I’m absolutely sunny. I do my very best to stay positive even if the day is dreary but it still gets to me a little :)

-This next one is funny and I have a story to illustrate it. I was talking to a friend of mine on UVU campus, up by the pictures of all the “Miss UVU” pictures and I was facing them. I was listening to what he was saying but my goodness, those shiny, sparkly crowns were so distracting!!! It’s true. I get distracted easily by shiny, sparkly objects.

-If you need an honest opinion, I’m your girl. I will tell you the truth (as far as I know) about just about anything. I am not afraid of being straightforward or even blunt.

-I love harmony and contentment. When there is discord or when I’m witness to intimate contention I get really uncomfortable. I’m sure most people are like that though.

-My perfect day would consist of a really warm day, taking a scenic drive barefoot with the windows down or top off and oldies playing on the radio.

-If you want me to dislike you or keep you as merely an acquaintance, you can be completely unreliable, full of yourself, immature, inconsiderate and dramatic. And I promise to avoid you.

-I am adaptable.

-Creative, creative, creative. Creative.

-I don't know how many times I've misplaced my phone and found it in my hand.

:) so, there you go.

Indeed

2010-03-28T20:03:00.000-07:00

I feel inclined to write. Do you ever feel like that? It’s almost a pull. I have a lot on my mind but no real direction in which I want to go. I usually have some clue as to what I write about on this blog, but at this moment I just feel like writing something for people to read.

I’m making a decision about something right now; actually I’ve already made the decision. I’ve made lots and lots of decisions during my lifetime, some very important ones down to whether or not I wanted to make and eat some homemade popcorn tonight.

Concerning the important decisions, I find it interesting that I haven’t made every one the same way. I don’t know if this is bad or not or if it even matters. For instance, when I was deciding whether or not I wanted to serve a mission, Heavenly Father basically left it up to me. It was my choice. I had three or four other friends who were making that decision at the same time as I was and we all came to the same conclusion. We didn’t really want to go. But our answers to get to that conclusion were different. One of my friends said that she knew she would be at the same level in the gospel if she went or if she didn’t. For me, my answer was, “You don’t have to go if you don’t want to. I’ll still give you really good serving and gospel proclaiming opportunities.” And I have. I’ve been blessed to be involved with two really awesome gospel sharing programs; the Latter-Day Celebration Choir and Especially for Youth. I consider those two programs, in essence, my mission. Many hours of pure service go into both organizations. Yes, I get paid for EFY but it’s like my administrator said over the weekend, “You get paid for 20% and you serve the other 80%.”

Everything we do in LDC is to bring those in our audiences (and in our choir) closer to Christ. Everything we do at EFY is to give the youth in our care a taste of a Zion-like community. Both include ample opportunities to bear witness of Christ and his gospel. This is my third year of EFY and my second with LDC. LDC is during the school year and EFY is during the summer. That’s two and a half years of incredibly service oriented programs. I’ve loved it all.

This most recent decision I’ve made feels the same as the decision I made about going on a mission. Only this one hasn’t taken three plus months to make. Because of that experience before, I think this one has been easier to make. I think that’s pretty cool. Yes, Heavenly Father absolutely knows what he is doing and how and when to do it. But I also feel like I’m learning something important here. This whole semester actually, has been about me really practicing using my own agency in the right way. I am learning the best way to use my agency. Heavenly Father cannot make all our decisions for us, in fact he cannot make any decisions for us. He won’t do it. It is always our choice.

I think I probably sound quite silly right now, I have known how to make good decisions for quite some time now. But it isn't...it's deeper than that. It's agency.

Make sure to use his help while making the decisions that are important to you. Of course. And I also say to you, that choosing his way will bring you peace and joy in this life. It will give you confidence. It will give you meaning.

It will give you peace.

Thy Gentleness Hath Made Me Great

2010-03-22T20:55:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness, my friends!

I had a fabulous experience last week over spring break! Let me prep you a bit, you all know what has been going on with me; the struggles, the heartache, the all of it :)

I think that so often as good humans, good members of the church, we try to push ourselves past the point of our endurance. But really, the task is impossible. You cannot be stronger than your ability allows. Even with the help of Heavenly Father, as a human, I cannot do it all; although, I admit that more often than not I try to do so.

So, I’ll be going through my life, with the tasks I have to do each day, week, month and year and push myself harder than is sometimes necessary. …and then, something beautiful happens; always. Our Father in heaven gives me the break and relief that I do not or cannot give myself. That is what spring break was for me. Somehow everything miraculously came together on Monday at one o’clock and I decided to leave the next day for California with twenty-one wonderful people and I couldn't be more grateful than I am.

I don’t know what that break was for everyone else, other than a vacation and fun times with friends, but for me it was a great blessing, a time away from everything that I desperately needed for recuperation and rejuvenation. It was a time for some healing. Our group went to the Las Vegas and the Newport Beach Temples and did baptisms, the homes of some of the members in California were graciously opened up to us; they offered their homes freely and many of the households we stayed in made us fantastic breakfasts in the mornings. I was astounded at their generosity. It brought back the feelings I had on my first choir tour with LDC last year, where we were just taken care of by literal saints! It was so neat and special to see Heavenly Father in California :)

For the last several months I have been praying to be able to help others and not focus on myself and that I’ll be able to find little moments of service for any stranger that crosses my path and do you know what? Do you know what I’ve noticed? The times when others have helped me in one way or another have begun to stand out starkly in my sight; in a good way. I had been feeling sad about the fact that I just haven’t had a whole lot of opportunity to help those around me, but you know what else?

…dear me, I don’t have words to describe it. It’s in the language of the Spirit, that language of feelings and emotions that run core deep. I haven’t been in a position to help others, but I’m still being gently taken care of by the many people I come in contact with everyday. And it has all been in such a way that it’s getting me back in a position to be able to once again be a stalwart and support for others. Man, the gospel is so true. And consistency in it makes all the difference. No matter what, be consistently good in the things of the gospel. And if you haven’t been, get there. And if you are there, stay there.

Life is continuing on for me. I came right back from spring break into rehearsal for the General Conference choir, homework for all my classes, studying for tests, everything to do with LDC, my friends, family and personal life. I've felt some trepidation being right back in the thick of life. Will I be able to handle it? How strong am I really? How long can I make the experiences of spring break stretch?

Now, I really want to communicate this next part so that you’ll understand. Yes, I received a blessed break from all of those things, but do realize that I have to continue to press forward.

Without me having even spoken about it yet to Heavenly Father, something really neat happened during choir today. We were singing “Come Home” (a song that has very special meaning for me personally; it being a tender mercy from the Lord last year when I was going through almost this exact same thing), and the men came in and the Holy Ghost swept through me. I was overwhelmed.

“Come Home, the Savior calls. Come home all who’ll obey. Come home, the gospel guides along the straight and narrow way. Lest we forget our home’s with God, this lovely earth, its sea, its sky and all things beautiful and true of Heavenly Father testify.”

It took me one second to realize what was going on. I sat down, took out some paper and began to write down what was being said to my heart. I can’t tell you all of it, but I can tell you that I know that the Savior calls to each of us daily. He calls to you, daily, "Come home" with great fervor and sincerity, indeed probably all of the faculties of his soul (without infringing upon your agency) to return to your first home. And I know that through thick or thin, good or bad, stressful or easy, the way back to our home with God is through this life. Through the trials. Through the struggles. Through the joys and gladness. Through all the experiences. Through them. Not around them, over or under them.

:) I’m sure you all already know all of that, but there you go; my testimony added to yours.

xoxo

The 22nd Erin

2010-03-13T20:02:00.000-08:00

Decisions. Katy. Leaving. Singing. Dating. Working. Painting. Writing. Kendall. Temple. Show. Tour. Summer. EFY. Growing. Crush. Activities. Working. Expanding. Dating. School. Singing. Painting. Building. Psychology. Callie. Art Major. Kerstin. Coming back. Passionate. Building Counselor Application. Alex. Growing. Family. Winter. Inspiring. Learning. Last classes. Temple. Building Counselor. Pushing. Drawing. Dancing. Singing. Friends. Creativity. Stretching. Decisions. Endurance.

I Tend to Sigh

2010-03-08T21:08:00.001-08:00

I have never, in the last two cases of me fighting depression, had a bout so bad that I didn't get out of bed in the morning. Today, however, I was closer than I have ever been to doing that.

I just want to testify that the only reason I was able to get out of bed this morning, finish my homework and get it turned in and get to all my classes was because Heavenly Father empowered me to do so.

If left to myself, I could not have done it.
Not today.
And my state would have been much worse than it is.

I'm doing alright now. I still feel pretty terrible about some things that happened yesterday, but yesterday is gone. And I have done what I could do today to fix what needed to be fixed. I can do no more. And I trust that Heavenly Father will take over the rest.

...
I did something rather selfishly recently, though I didn't do it intentionally. I had approached a situation in a certain way and I was very unhappy about it. My path was sadness. So, in an attempt to alleviate some of the suffering I tried another path. But unfortunately, it doesn't seem to have been right either. I have now successfully brought someone back into a state of confusion.

I have been working on not being so un-proportionally self-sacrificing lately, but I wish...I had used some of my self-sacrificing character in this instance.

But let me learn from this. And let my heart not hurt so badly. But look forward to a brighter day tomorrow; another day where I can try again, thanks to the one act that saved all of mankind, performed by a Divine Being who loved all of mankind enough to do it.

Ah, yes.

2010-03-01T16:48:00.000-08:00

I think that regular attitude adjustments are beneficial. I face it, I really haven’t dealt with things lately as I well as I should. But do you know what? I’m catching onto it, and that I am grateful for. I am grateful that in reality I’ve been extremely blessed. My recent trials have simply not been that long lasting.

I just read an article in the March Ensign (gosh, I love that magazine!) about gratitude; an attitude, that last semester, marked my personality and my life. I wish I could have shown more gratitude the last two months but do you know what? It’s never too late to start being grateful, again.

For example: I had at least 35 minutes of peace last night! I have found new resolve to press forward today. I’m finally getting challenged in my drawing class and I get to work more on the still life drawing (that I’m loving) tomorrow. I did my homework today instead of waiting until tomorrow. My birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. The sun is out right now. My sisters are actually getting along and are playing outside together (not sitting inside wasting time on the computer or in front of the TV). I talked to Callie. My parents get to go to Hawaii this week. I’m half-way done with this semester. I get to go on a date with a cute boy this week. Easter is coming up and that is my favorite holiday :). I get to sing beautiful songs with a really good choir Monday through Friday. Someone bought me lunch today. I found out Kerstin is singing in the General Conference choir with us! I get to eat dinner really soon :)

See? There are many things in my life to be grateful for. I don’t know if I’ve said it yet on here, but as I’ve read through previous blogs, I really should take my own advice and remember what I’ve already learned. Those experiences I’ve recorded on here still count for me.

Anyway, I’m on the up :)

xoxo

Patesco

2010-02-22T16:17:00.000-08:00

Here goes.

Deep breath.

(I wrote this in “parts” because it’s kind of long. I don’t know why, but when I read things that are lengthy, it’s easier if it’s broken up.)

Part 1
When I moved out for the first time in 2007, something interesting happened. The beginning of a struggle I now realize will probably be life-long. Up until last night it was in my prayers that this would be healed, taken away, or would go away with time; however, my eyes have been opened to the probability that it won’t do any of that, at least not during this life time.

I finally finished the book I’ve been reading, “When You Can’t Do it Alone” just last night. Allow me to remind you what the book is about; it’s the stories and applications of Brent L. Top’s experiences with depression while he served as a Mission President. The last few sections of his book were especially meaningful to me.

Part 2
Bro. Top talks about the apostle Paul and a particular tribulation he had which Paul refers to as his “thorn in the flesh”. Allow me to quote the scripture passage (2 Cor. 12:7-10):

“And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.
For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.
And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.”

I’ve been studying these four verses for a couple of days now. I didn’t exactly understand how the word “exalted” was being used and so I cross-referenced it to Doctrine of Covenants 3:4 which says, “For although a man may have many revelations, and have power to do many mighty works, yet if he boasts in his own strength, and sets at naught the counsels of God, and follows after the dictates of his own will and carnal desires, he must fall and incur the vengeance of a just God upon him.” That was just so that you could follow my train of thought with me.

I do feel that I have been greatly blessed with revelations (personal and things that I’ve shared) and talents.

Part 3
Bro. Top says, “Depression, like alcoholism, is never totally cured. It is ever-present, but dealt with in constructive ways. The outside influences [remain] the same, but the internal [reactions are] different.”

I was in my room while I was reading this. I put the book down in my lap while that thought ran through my head. Do you want to know what my own feelings were saying in reaction to that?

“Bummer. ...I’m only 22 years old... But it seems it is entirely possible that I will be fighting depression my entire life.
-big sigh-
-nodding-
Okay.”

I think the scariest thing about realizing that is that someday, I have to tell the guy I marry about it. People don’t generally have the right idea about how real depression is.

Another quote from the book, “Unfortunately, there is a stigma attached to taking medication or receiving professional help for emotional problems—a stigma that doesn’t seem to be attached to other medical conditions and needs. Many are quick to assume that a person who takes medication for an emotional illness either lacks sufficient faith to be healed or has other spiritual problems in his (or her) life. Would you think that a diabetic who takes insulin lacks faith? What about a person who takes cholesterol-lowering medication? Is the person who needs blood-pressure regulation drugs a sinner? Of course not! We recognize that medications and treatments, administered under the direction of competent professionals, have their place and do much good. So it is in dealing with emotional challenges. Medication, however, cannot be the only remedy—any more than cholesterol-lowering drugs can cure heart disease without proper diet, exercise, and other ongoing therapies.”

Obviously it might be silly for me to think that’s scary, because if I love the guy and he loves me then that won’t be a problem. Still…it was scary thinking about it last night.

Part 4
Although I might have this “thorn in the flesh” for my life, it has brought some comfort to me in knowing that I’m in it for the long haul. And that no matter what, Christ’s grace is sufficient for me: for his strength is made perfect in my weakness.
And I don’t think I have clinical depression, I think I have it seasonally. Which explains a lot. I’m not, by any means, using it as an excuse for my academic circumstances but it sure makes sense looking back, why I have problems going to class at the end of fall semester and just after the beginning of spring semester. That’s winter time.
But now I know that I’m just going to have to work harder and make sure that I’m living righteously so that I can “with help, both mortal and divine… [rise] to great heights and [render] significant service in the kingdom.”

Like one of Michael Buble’s songs, “Hold On” says (I like to think of Christ saying this to me), “So, hold on to me tight, hold on, I promise it’ll be alright. ‘Cause we are stronger here together than we could ever be alone. Just hold on to me, don’t you ever let me go. Hold on to me, it’s gunna be alright, hold on to me tonight.”

That’s my goal. And I’m sticking to it :)

Pockets Full of Good Intentions; Get Real

2010-02-20T16:22:00.000-08:00

That’s the line to a favorite song of mine, “I need to be in love” by the Carpenters. Basically the song is about a girl who has wasted time playing it safe when it comes to love, but decides that it’s time to change.

“So here I am with pockets full of good intentions. But none of them will comfort me tonight. I’m wide awake at 4 am without a friend in sight. I’m hanging on a hope but I’m alright.”

I’ve noticed lately that I’ve had pockets full of good intentions concerning some things. As I’m sitting here I’m thinking if you change the “good” in that statement to “real” it changes everything. You go from having pockets full of good intentions to pockets full of real intentions. What’s the difference? Well, one could be that I don’t think “good intentions” ever leave your pocket, while “real intentions” are there to be taken out.

I have two situations that happened within the last week that really brought this concept out to me.

Situation #1

I’ve been helping with the Institute talent show. During this time our storage room had to be cleared out to get some lights. The mess was left there for a day and one of the boys who was also working on the talent show came up to a group of us who were sitting and said “hey, if you guys have nothing to do, the storage room needs to be put back together”. I thought to myself, “Wow, that would be really great if I went down there and helped clean that up. Those boys would sure appreciate it.” But guess what? I never did it.

Situation #2

A girl who was in the talent show was obviously very stressed out about it and I noticed and went up to her and asked her about it and we chatted for a bit and I said, “If you need me to do something to help you, come and tell me.” I was serious. She came up to me later and asked me to help her with some costume changes during the show. And I did that.

Those may not be the best examples but I'm sure you get the idea. I guess the difference is in what happens after you have a good thought. Do you think that Christ had pockets full of “good” intentions or “real” intentions? The answer, of course, is real intentions, all the way. “…there is nothing that the Lord thy God shall take in his heart to do but what he will do it.”(1)

To be sure, good intentions are nice, but at 4 am and in the end they do no real good for you or for others. Elder Nelson in this last October’s Conference said, “‘Real intent’ means that one really intends to follow the divine direction given.”(2) If we take this statement and apply that every good thing comes from Christ(3) Then a “good” intention is inspired from God and then we exercise real intent in following the divine direction we are given to help others.

So, from now on, when it comes to my pockets full of good intentions, I think I'm going to get real.

1. Abraham 3:17

2. Russell M. Nelson, “Ask, Seek, Knock,” Ensign, Nov 2009, 81–84

3. Moroni 7:12-13

"Except you" and "the outside reasons"

2010-02-07T14:38:00.000-08:00

My institute teacher, last Thursday during class, was discussing Heavenly Father’s relationship to us and how he always compares it to a marriage. Why? Well, because it’s not infidelity, where one person doesn’t keep their covenants but expects others to continue to do so. It isn’t a contract, where two parties only sign because of the mutual benefit. It’s love. And because God loves us, he serves us. My teacher made the point that instead of having a check list and thinking of people as commodities, we should be looking to serve God because we love him, and find someone whose desire is that same thing.

My teacher stressed again and again that marriage is about service. Marriage is about service. Not serving because of rewards that go with the acts but because you love them.

And then he said something that has been on my mind ever since. He said with plenty of feeling, “Christ got nothing from the atonement. Except you.”

Nothing except you. My mind has turned that over and over again. Surly he got something else, besides us, I thought. But the more I thought about the things he did get besides us, the Spirit continued to whisper, “The only important thing is you.” He might have gotten other things, but the Spirit told me that I didn’t have to think of those things, those things are not as important as us.

I’ve been doing really well since that Sunday two Sundays ago. But this last Friday afternoon I had a relapse of sorts. Several things that had happened in about a twenty minutes time period sent me reeling. My hope and serenity (which was so much better but still fragile) was shaken. I wanted to be faithful! But it was so hard. I had a friend come over and give me a priesthood blessing. One of the things that was said was “Remember that Christ descended below all things. He has felt what you are feeling. We know from his own words in the scriptures that he at one time he didn’t want to go through with the atonement (‘…which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not drink the bitter cup…’) but he was able to do it because of the outside reasons. You and me.”

The children I could have in the future have always been a sustaining strength for me. A reason to go on with courage. A reason to continue faithful. They came to my mind when the blessing ended.

So, I learned that one of the best ways to get through a trial is to remember the outside reasons. Yes, the pain and suffering in this world are great, but greater will be our joy in the kingdom of our Father. Don’t you agree?

God bless you.

Not All Angels Are From the Other Side of the Veil

2010-02-07T14:34:00.000-08:00

I’m in a ponderous mood. Will you ponder with me for a moment?

Not all angels are from the other side of the veil. I don’t believe that. I know it :) ha, did I scare you for a moment there? Ahh! Erin’s turning apostate! Not. Heh.

Did someone come to your mind when you read the statement from Elder Holland’s October 2008 General Conference talk? Handfuls of people came to mind for me. It’s interesting that that talk came out in 2008. That was the year I really started to notice the “frangels” (friend-angels) in my life. I had five in particular during the first eight or nine months of the year and then that number grew a lot in the fall.

People are astounding me all the time. I know I’ve said this before but I know so many stellar people. Just down-right incredible people. Sometimes I like to think about how some of the characteristics I have now are from emulating those examples in my life.

Who was it that came to your mind?

How were they an angel for you?

Will you tell Heavenly Father how thankful you are for them? I’m still thankful to all my angels. Perhaps unbeknownst to them, they each hold a place in my heart; forever.

And it all comes back to God and how dearly he loves you and me. Loves us enough to send us angels to bare us up (D&C 84:88). It gives us sense of heaven.

“Indeed heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind.”

Have gratitude for your angels. And be an angel to someone else.

My New Project

2010-02-02T21:39:00.000-08:00

Man, talk about miracles!

Two years ago I had a group of best friends that helped me through the hardest time of my life. Those experiences with them gave me an idea. Most of you already know about it, “Embers of the Soul.” I wanted to put together a collection of inspirational stories and have them published in book form for the benefit of other young adults who were having a hard time. In essence it could be considered akin to “Chicken Soup for the [Young Adult Soul]” or Latter-Day Saint Voices in the Ensign.

A week ago as you might have read in my last blog I was in the pits. And I can tell you now that this project has really been saving me. It’s been so exciting and motivating, I’ve been thinking almost nonstop about it! I hope it does as well as I’ve been imagining it. I can get a little crazy when I’m pumped up about something ;) I’ve probably already gone too far with my aspirations but it’s just been so fun and the perfect thing to help me get my mind off of everything else that has been worrying me.

I really want “Embers” to take off. I’m slightly worried that this will just turn into something that is here one day and gone the next. It depends so much on other people. On others catching the fire and wanting to spread it. I guess I can take this opportunity to learn to put more faith in other people, right? :)

"Embers" has been just the miracle I've needed. Anyhow, I’m doing so much better. Thanks to everyone who has expressed their concern and offered their help and support. I appreciate it.

Love to you all!